The Me Inside....

After long weeks of hyperactivity, sometimes you forget that you are an emotional, feeling being. The work, and the results required of the work, .. cause you to put those emotions aside for a while, stored away in that invisible cupboard while you toil on and on and on so that you get the job done. And then the job is done, and you take a step back. Suddenly, an overloaded cupboard of emotions burst apart and everything collides in a massive explosion. It becomes a catharsis of sorts, so overwhelming that you cannot help but stumble and fall into momentary devastation. Most of us are prone to scrutinizing the stuff that went wrong, another finger eagerly seeking a scapegoat in the vicinity to play that game called Blame. But sometimes, you sort out all the problematic feelings, and you're left with a clearly agonistic opinion towards yourself. That anger, that frustration, that disappointment at yourself should be embraced and experienced so fully that you can crumble in a cathart...

I think... I think... Sonia is descending, I think, I think.... Im going through a process called "lightening" Uda mulai gimannnaaa gitu rasanya. Uda mulai campur aduuuk... Masih rada2 ga percaya Im pregnant! Ga lama lagi beneran officially jadi Mami. Gimana ya nanti? aih aih... Gw kan geli-an orangnya... minum dari sedotan orang aja gelinya 1/2 mati, gimana ya nanti? Ga lama lagi... musti beneran megang tai, musti bersihin pipis, musti ngelap iler, musti bersihin tai kuping, musti potongin kuku, musti ngorekin upil, musti bersihin belek, dan musti2 yang lain.... Tuhan, mampukan saya please.

Not feeling too great today. Bettteee aja bawaannya. Entah kenapa. Padahal tidur cukup perasaan. Don't like this feeling. Don't like being me today. Don't likeeee

Walking around, feeling the soles of your feet gathering the dust. You feel the remnants of oil, sweat, residue of soap, anything.... Things like that that give your steps a sticky, icky feeling. Time to mop the floors again. In a trance, you get the broom - that old fashioned type, fashioned from dried husks and you move around the house, like a whimsical shadow, focused on the task. Sweep, sweep, sweep. It's got to end some day, sometime. Then you fill up the buckets, shusssshhhh, the water gushes into the navy blue bucket, half a capful of static-free, insect repelling liquid, to 8 litres of clean water You don't really measure to perfection, and then slusssh, the mop goes in… you gave up on the plastic mop catcher a while back - it doesn't give you properly squeezed out equipment, a nd then you're off. Room to room, back and forth, sliding across the place The job is done, It's about 3:20 pm now. Time to get off. Trancelike - that's how sometimes my life fe...

Belly is getting bigger. Sometimes I really wobble like a penguin on stilts, especially in the morning when I just woke up. Most of the time you'd hear me say "duuh, aduu duuuhhhh.. pantat kiri gua sakit!" Yes, strangely, only my left butt hurts! I realize that Sonia loves to snuggle on the right side of my belly. I've got a right-sider stuck inside my belly half the time :) I'll be exactly 36 weeks tomorrow. 9 months!! Which means, in 'what-to-expect' pregnancy guides and sites, they say that I'll be seeing Sonia in 2-4 more weeks! How time flies!! Aaahh.... Im excited. The house is almost done. Lear to be grateful regardless of the stupid tukangs. Indeed it is a very cozy, adem house. A place I will call 'home' soon. Now... off to the loo to poo :) The husband is coming and get me in 15 minutes for our belated dinner date.

I want to live life .... knowing that I've made enough mistakes to stay sane. I want love to challenge my heart, and I want life to question my faith, and know that I've won. I want to know that some dreams live forever. I want to jump like I never fall. I want to fly like I never. ever. have to land. I could never be perfect, Im just me. And I am just as flawed as you are. There's only so much you can give without giving yourself away. And right now, it is me who's falling apart. But you can't see it.