The Me Inside....

Back to my isolation room in the hospital. District Nurse sent me right in to ED once she found out I have 38.4°c fever yesterday.  They admit me right away and the temp rised to 39.5°c overnight.  They need to take my picc line out as that is the source of infection. This time I have strep bacteria.  Taking out the picc line was SO FREAKIN PAINFUL!! I literally have to bite my blanket and kinda screamed. Wow. That was intense!  I've been getting LOTS of support from my family. Andi, mami, papi, ucok, abo.... not a single day goes by without them checking on me. My lifegroup friends also have been tremendous support for my mental and spiritual needs.  Have another friend, Michelle who is going through a chemo for her breast cancer. She was ok, but she couldn't breathe last night. So we kinda pray for each other.    As I said soooo many times.... I dont need a thousand friends. All I need is a few good ones.  Not a fan of being religious, but the w...

Emotional for no apparent reason.  Ah. I think mind is playing games on me.  Funny how through life you experience different effects of the same things. Then when you look back, you realize nothing will ever be the same again. What happens at the end, I wonder? Sigh. Too much in my head right now.

I honestly dont know whether I can ever do this. And I honestly dont know why I wanna do it. I just wanna. I wanna........ shave my hair bald.  Yep. But I dont think I'll ever have enough courage to do it though.  Must be liberating, somehow.  I've experienced with lots of short haircuts... and my motto was (still is) "hair grows". So I really dont understand what's stopping me to shave it bald.  Just a random thought.  I've friends from my "youth", who don't change at all. Their routines are still the same, still going to the same church, still "serving", still wearing the same style of clothing. While there is absolutely NOTHING is wrong with that... but it just made me think... are they really content? Donthey feel fulfilled? Dont they get bored? Day in, day out.... same shit different day.... for years? It's totally okay if they trully enjoy it, no judgement passed.... but are they really enjoying their life? Can they really say...

Secara ya urusan sepsis ini lagi "hits" banget in my life.... and the fact that Im pretty much house-arrest except for hospital appointments.... got my brain think really hard.  What are the odds? I survived sepsis 3x in 8 months! The last one whisked me straight to ICU.  Psychologically, it affected me. Grateful? Yes. But I cant shake the feeling that it's gonna get me oneday. How many times can you dodge a bullet? Feel like it's lurking and ready to pounce anytime.   Geez, I never thought I'd be struggling over this.  The husband.  I think seeing me being critical stirred something in him.  We had lunch together today while waiting for my follow up check up and blood test... the way he looked at me was..... different. Somehow.  I always knew he loved me. But this time is different. It's as if he appreciate every moment. Seeing him being "vulnarable" was a painful sight. I can see he was so scared of losing me.  I kept telling him that Im really ...