The Me Inside....

Recovery is a long road this time round.  Physically as well as mentally.  I need people to back off a little bit.  I need people to stop telling me to rest. I need to feel what I actually feel inside.  I need to not think about others' feeling nor reaction.  Can people please, please stop asking these everyday ?  "when is your next doctors appointment?" "What did the doc say?" "How's the bloodtest result?" "Surgery wound healed up?" "Udah makan madu,susu, buah?" "Jangan cape2" "Jangan nyetir dulu" Stop asking Onya "did mami drive today?" because she will answer "yes" and you'll freak out and make me feel like a guilty kid stealing lollie from the shop. Do you really want me to tell you the honest answers to all your questions?  And please. Please. Please. Please stop saying "jangan sakit lagi, kita kuatir banget" I never ask for all thes...

I typed these few weeks ago and just left it in my draft for my eyes to see. But decided maybe it's a good thing to put it out there in the world wide web. Maybe keeping so many things inside is not always a good thing. I thought I would've felt better by now. But no. So here's my story. Well, a fraction of it.  ---------- Blame it on sleep deprivation, Im bawling reading the NZ Herald about a kid who died of sepsis. Im such an e motional wreck today eeekkk. Sepsis was brutal, and mine escalated to septic shock - the last stage of sepsis. Im lucky to have came out of it alive with no permanent organ damage. Still feel surreal. Still trying hard to cope. Those nights in ICU were hard. Like, REALLY hard. The sound of the machines beeping and those IV noises are still embedded so clearly in my head. The bruises on my arms and legs (yes, legs! As most of the veins in my arms collapsed) from the canulas are still here as a reminder. Though I dont remember most of what...

No. Just. No.  Down the same road?  Will it stop rising? FFS....  Glad I went to see Michelle today though. She's my Infection Specialist, another great doctor with a witty sense of humour.  She put me on another round of antibiotics (thankfully, oral!)    I spent many hours today at the hospital for follow up appointments with Immunilogist and Infection Specialist.  I had a good phlebotomist too! She's so patient attempting to take my blood numerous times with no luck. My usual veins had collapsed again. She brought a bucket of hot water and soaked my hands. Drawing blood is such a pain lately. Sigh. Michelle cleaned my wound (which somehow got infected and burst opened a couple of days ago) - Input the wrong type of dressing lastnight, I woke up this morning with intense pain coz the gauze stuck to my flesh. Maaan, that was horrible!  This fever is annoying though. Started wih log grade 37.5°c (my normal temp is 36.9 - 37°c) and it keeps going u...