The Honest Truth

Recovery is a long road this time round. 

Physically as well as mentally. 

I need people to back off a little bit. 

I need people to stop telling me to rest.

I need to feel what I actually feel inside. 

I need to not think about others' feeling nor reaction. 

Can people please, please stop asking these everyday? 
"when is your next doctors appointment?"

"What did the doc say?"

"How's the bloodtest result?"
"Surgery wound healed up?"

"Udah makan madu,susu, buah?"

"Jangan cape2"

"Jangan nyetir dulu"

Stop asking Onya "did mami drive today?"
because she will answer "yes" and you'll freak out and make me feel like a guilty kid stealing lollie from the shop.

Do you really want me to tell you the honest answers to all your questions? 

And please. Please. Please. Please stop saying "jangan sakit lagi, kita kuatir banget"
I never ask for all these, just in case you dont know.
Stop asking me to do things I can't control. 
And dont make it sound as if I got sick because I haven't been taking good care of myself.
I know y'all worry about me, but Im drowning here.

Im not angry. 
Im sad. Really, really, really sad. 
I feel like I let everyone down by getting sick (again and again in the past year)

If only people know what's in my head. 

Sediiiih deh rasanya. This is a whole new level, even for me. I have no idea what to do with myself. 

Ko kayanya idup jadi ga enjoyable.

I dont enjoy the thing I used to enjoy anymore. 

I used to binge-watch Greys Anatomy til dawn..... but I dont even feel like turning on the TV lately. 

I used to enjoy having breakfast on my own, in a cafe and listening to music or read or write.... I dont anymore.

I dont even enjoy the piano anymore. 

Funny how everything changes in just 2 months. Im not myself anymore. I dont feel like myself. 

This constant fear of getting sick again... not so much on being sick-nya. 

Tapi more on how am I going to tell you if I get sick again. 
How would you reaction be?

I kinda lost the sense of purpose.

I am a chronic introvert, but I have NEVER been one without purpose. 

I was determined. 

I was sharp.

I knew what I wanted. 

I strived for the goal. 

And I thrived.

Where did that person go?

I know she's somewhere...

If anything, Im exhausted. Drained. 

I hope this phase will come to an end soon. 

My doctors and counsellor said this is a very normal stage. 

I was very ill physically, my body literally fought for life. 

And actually won, but during that intense battle, Im scathed. Im scarred. 

My body had been through a lot, and this, THIS is part of my recovery process. 

My body is very defensive lately. 

I can even smell panadol before they were out of the packaging. 
(mind you, panadol dont have strong smell at all)

I can still taste the antibiotic at the back of my tongue even when Im not having them. 

I can still see the needle marks on my hands and leg, like a constant reminder - lurking and laughing at me. 

Once again, Im not angry. 

Im sad. 

And I know all the theories. 

Im one who reads, observes, and analyzes a lot. 

So I actually know what's going on.

I just never thought it's gonna be this hard.

My heart and my head fought a lot. 

.... but never to this extent.

This is really a whole new level. 

I always thought that "the sick" is the one that gets to be protected. 
but how come I feel like Im the one having to protect everyone else around me? 

This journey feels so, so lonely.

Can I be sick and actually feel weak? 
Can I be sick and be vulnerable without putting on a strong facade? 
Can I be honest that I dont feel 100% yet? 
Can I be honest when I still dont feel well from time to time? 
Can I let you know my bloodtest results are not good without having you treating me like it's my fault?
Can I tell you that Im broken? 
Can I take the mask off and tell you...... that Im scared too? 

Can I.... tell you the honest truth?