The Me Inside....

Means a lot coming from my brother. Got me thinking... Im so fortunate to ne still alive. Septic shock is the number 1 leading cause of death in the ICU. 6 out 10 people didn't make it. Yet here I am. Not unscathed, but alive and recovering.  It's gonna be an uphill battle to fully recover, I feel like a jelly. But I'll get there. 

I ended up spending 5 days in ICU.  My heartfelt gratitude to the doctors and nurses who really go above and beyond.  In a helpless situation, they continuously reassured me that it's okay.  It's okay if your body turned on you.  It's okay if you feel your body betrayed you. That's what they're there for.  To help. To make it easier.  Those nurses work 12 hour shift a day. 3 days a week.  Decent enough. But the way they care for you, is above your expectation. You see, that was my first time in ICU.  First 3 days I literally had no control of my body.  I didn't even know where I was.  I didn't who my name was. I didn't know my birthdate. I didn't know what year is this! Everything was foggy. I couldn't walk properly because extremely low blood pressure. I couldn't feel my bowel movement.  That was really one of the lowest point in my life. Having to be so dependent on someone else. They even made me pee in a bedpot because I wasn't ...

Sooo ready to go home Thursday morning when things turned south at about 750 am. I threw up and started to have massive pain on my back.  Then apparently I texted Andi suru dia dtg. (Which I didnt remember). He came right away, and found me in a fetal position curling and muntah lagi.  Gw dah ga inget apa2, gw cuma samar2 inget there were so many docs and nurses around me. I realised from previous experience that I created a commossion again. It was a medCall. Emergency state where within seconds all the docs and (more senior) nurses will come to my rescue.  My body shaked violently. I had rigors. I remember being sooo cold and thirsty. They didnt let me drink nor have blanket as apparently my body temp rose to 42°c. I dont remember much, i think I was out for the most part. I remembered snippets, but not the actual event.  I think I vomitted again. Then they stabilised me, I remember having an argument about not wanting to put a cathether. But they had to. So they d...

So after battling fever for 2 weeks, THIS happened overnight: A tennis-ball sized lumps that formed an abscess underneath my deltoid yg rasanya?  Worse than childbirth even kalo keserempet kaen baju! Ketiup angin aja sakit cuy! So senen ngantor (teuteup!) cuma sejam then home to see Shona.  Bawa Andi kali ini karena got a feeling it's gonna be ED next. Shona pas liat cuma melotot trus "wow Candice.. you keep surprising me" trus dia senyum2 frustrasi. That poor pretty british pregnant lady.... diukur. 11x12.  ED deh. Langsung ke ortho. Pas dokternya liat "Wow, I can see why your GP is sending you to us"  Pokonya semua nurses and dokter yg liat pada ber wow2 ria liat tu benjolan. Even more so when they found it it happen in like 9 hours! Wong mandi pagi masi liciiin. Mandi sore uda ga bisa angkat tangan. Ortho begitu liat "we need to send you to the theater. We wont do it in ED because it's so big and you're gonna need surgery with general anaesthetic...

So, have I told you that after I closed my Health-Sector chapter, I went on to work for Ministry of Justice? Anyway, MoJ is a much bigger scale compared to the hospital. The place is literally HUGE.  There's no special treatment, as in... even when you're the highest of the rank, you dont get an office. At all.  You get a table, along with everybody else. This place is so much more high-tech then the old hospital office.  Though I must admit, my corner office with a helicopter view (literally, I can the the rescue helipads) was much more interesting in terms of view.  Now as much as I enjoy this new office, I've made a secret pact with God.  Ofcourse, it has everything to do with my health. I may or may not quit. And if I quit, I wont even bother to think about going back to work for the rest of the year. The ball is not in my court now.  But ofcourse, I secretly have a wish on which way He will throw the ball to.  So, thank You that I can be who I am ...

Changed to one of the most powerful oral antibiotics.  Still not working and the temperature is rising.  Had a temper tantrum yesterday.  I blamed the fever.  Berasa kaya not myself tapi i couldn't help it.  Nguing2 aja gitu, ngoce2 ndewek. Macam lagi intoxicated gitu, bawaannya ngoceeee aja.  Tapi ngocenya ini ngoce ngomel2 menjurus ke ngamuk.  My target? The one and only Andi dong. That poor guy.  Tapi semua yg gw omongin itu uneg2 ati si.... told him I just dont understand how he can be so... cuek?  So ignorant, so to say.  Im not saying skrg si...  More like when it all started with my eyes. I may look cool and masa bodo on the outside,..... i even let people made fun of me kok for having to wear a granny glasses to read.  But seriously, had it ever occured to you how fucking SCARED I was?  Having to wake up and suddenly found yourself unable to read! Unable to see everything in close proximity?! I slept the night befo...

Ah. Apa lagi ini.  Been feverish since wednesday... not as high as last month. This one hover around 38.1°c - 38.9°c. Not high enough to keep me in bed.  Maybe I should.  Tapi ya ga bisa juga loh. Dah kelamaan bolos juga yg mustinya masuk dari kamis.  I went back to work Jumat kemaren, I reckon I did well.  Without niat blagu2, tapi gw cukup konfiden kalo I have a very good work ethic. And!!! My current project is sooo much fun!!! Im recruiting!! Damn! I love recruitments! I love being on the other side hahaha. Then after work pushed myself buat ketemuan sama temen SMP yg cuma mampir welli for 12 hrs. Jadi ajak dia dinner n liat night market.  Sampe rumah dah ampir jam 11 mlm kayanya. Maybe I shouldn't.  Then today morning went to Fairra's baby shower. Yg I kinda pushed myself juga karena she's been so nice to me. How can I not go to her baby shower.  Stayed there from 1045 til almost 5pm. Itupun i was one of the earliest to left the party looh....