The Me Inside....

So here's the situation now.  One second I can be a jolly good fellow.  Next, I'll be the meanest bitch on earth.  Tanya kenapa? I used to have sooo much passion for the needy.   I used to push my introvert, socially anxious inner being to attend a meeting full of strangers just so I can get involved with World Vision. I wanted to help the kids.  I wanted to feed the needy.  Gw beli KFC for random people. I even literally went to the roadside di jalan sabang to help ngajarin anak2 jalanan pelajaran sekolah mereka loh!  If you ask me now? I dont give a shit anymore.  I freakin' pushed myself beyond my limit.  I made myself available. Ampir semua orang2 yg gw kenal tuh boro2 bother to try! Mereka idup jalanin idup mereka day in, day out. Begitu aja.  Ngasih sumbangan aja barang bekas/jelek/rusak kok Boro2 mikir buat help or reach out to others.  Paling bisanya cuma "pelayanan" di gereja atau "mission trip" jalan2 ke yerusalem. Preett!...

Recovery is a long road this time round.  Physically as well as mentally.  I need people to back off a little bit.  I need people to stop telling me to rest. I need to feel what I actually feel inside.  I need to not think about others' feeling nor reaction.  Can people please, please stop asking these everyday ?  "when is your next doctors appointment?" "What did the doc say?" "How's the bloodtest result?" "Surgery wound healed up?" "Udah makan madu,susu, buah?" "Jangan cape2" "Jangan nyetir dulu" Stop asking Onya "did mami drive today?" because she will answer "yes" and you'll freak out and make me feel like a guilty kid stealing lollie from the shop. Do you really want me to tell you the honest answers to all your questions?  And please. Please. Please. Please stop saying "jangan sakit lagi, kita kuatir banget" I never ask for all thes...

I typed these few weeks ago and just left it in my draft for my eyes to see. But decided maybe it's a good thing to put it out there in the world wide web. Maybe keeping so many things inside is not always a good thing. I thought I would've felt better by now. But no. So here's my story. Well, a fraction of it.  ---------- Blame it on sleep deprivation, Im bawling reading the NZ Herald about a kid who died of sepsis. Im such an e motional wreck today eeekkk. Sepsis was brutal, and mine escalated to septic shock - the last stage of sepsis. Im lucky to have came out of it alive with no permanent organ damage. Still feel surreal. Still trying hard to cope. Those nights in ICU were hard. Like, REALLY hard. The sound of the machines beeping and those IV noises are still embedded so clearly in my head. The bruises on my arms and legs (yes, legs! As most of the veins in my arms collapsed) from the canulas are still here as a reminder. Though I dont remember most of what...

No. Just. No.  Down the same road?  Will it stop rising? FFS....  Glad I went to see Michelle today though. She's my Infection Specialist, another great doctor with a witty sense of humour.  She put me on another round of antibiotics (thankfully, oral!)    I spent many hours today at the hospital for follow up appointments with Immunilogist and Infection Specialist.  I had a good phlebotomist too! She's so patient attempting to take my blood numerous times with no luck. My usual veins had collapsed again. She brought a bucket of hot water and soaked my hands. Drawing blood is such a pain lately. Sigh. Michelle cleaned my wound (which somehow got infected and burst opened a couple of days ago) - Input the wrong type of dressing lastnight, I woke up this morning with intense pain coz the gauze stuck to my flesh. Maaan, that was horrible!  This fever is annoying though. Started wih log grade 37.5°c (my normal temp is 36.9 - 37°c) and it keeps going u...

Back to my isolation room in the hospital. District Nurse sent me right in to ED once she found out I have 38.4°c fever yesterday.  They admit me right away and the temp rised to 39.5°c overnight.  They need to take my picc line out as that is the source of infection. This time I have strep bacteria.  Taking out the picc line was SO FREAKIN PAINFUL!! I literally have to bite my blanket and kinda screamed. Wow. That was intense!  I've been getting LOTS of support from my family. Andi, mami, papi, ucok, abo.... not a single day goes by without them checking on me. My lifegroup friends also have been tremendous support for my mental and spiritual needs.  Have another friend, Michelle who is going through a chemo for her breast cancer. She was ok, but she couldn't breathe last night. So we kinda pray for each other.    As I said soooo many times.... I dont need a thousand friends. All I need is a few good ones.  Not a fan of being religious, but the w...

Secara ya urusan sepsis ini lagi "hits" banget in my life.... and the fact that Im pretty much house-arrest except for hospital appointments.... got my brain think really hard.  What are the odds? I survived sepsis 3x in 8 months! The last one whisked me straight to ICU.  Psychologically, it affected me. Grateful? Yes. But I cant shake the feeling that it's gonna get me oneday. How many times can you dodge a bullet? Feel like it's lurking and ready to pounce anytime.   Geez, I never thought I'd be struggling over this.  The husband.  I think seeing me being critical stirred something in him.  We had lunch together today while waiting for my follow up check up and blood test... the way he looked at me was..... different. Somehow.  I always knew he loved me. But this time is different. It's as if he appreciate every moment. Seeing him being "vulnarable" was a painful sight. I can see he was so scared of losing me.  I kept telling him that Im really ...

Means a lot coming from my brother. Got me thinking... Im so fortunate to ne still alive. Septic shock is the number 1 leading cause of death in the ICU. 6 out 10 people didn't make it. Yet here I am. Not unscathed, but alive and recovering.  It's gonna be an uphill battle to fully recover, I feel like a jelly. But I'll get there. 

I ended up spending 5 days in ICU.  My heartfelt gratitude to the doctors and nurses who really go above and beyond.  In a helpless situation, they continuously reassured me that it's okay.  It's okay if your body turned on you.  It's okay if you feel your body betrayed you. That's what they're there for.  To help. To make it easier.  Those nurses work 12 hour shift a day. 3 days a week.  Decent enough. But the way they care for you, is above your expectation. You see, that was my first time in ICU.  First 3 days I literally had no control of my body.  I didn't even know where I was.  I didn't who my name was. I didn't know my birthdate. I didn't know what year is this! Everything was foggy. I couldn't walk properly because extremely low blood pressure. I couldn't feel my bowel movement.  That was really one of the lowest point in my life. Having to be so dependent on someone else. They even made me pee in a bedpot because I wasn't ...

Sooo ready to go home Thursday morning when things turned south at about 750 am. I threw up and started to have massive pain on my back.  Then apparently I texted Andi suru dia dtg. (Which I didnt remember). He came right away, and found me in a fetal position curling and muntah lagi.  Gw dah ga inget apa2, gw cuma samar2 inget there were so many docs and nurses around me. I realised from previous experience that I created a commossion again. It was a medCall. Emergency state where within seconds all the docs and (more senior) nurses will come to my rescue.  My body shaked violently. I had rigors. I remember being sooo cold and thirsty. They didnt let me drink nor have blanket as apparently my body temp rose to 42°c. I dont remember much, i think I was out for the most part. I remembered snippets, but not the actual event.  I think I vomitted again. Then they stabilised me, I remember having an argument about not wanting to put a cathether. But they had to. So they d...

So, have I told you that after I closed my Health-Sector chapter, I went on to work for Ministry of Justice? Anyway, MoJ is a much bigger scale compared to the hospital. The place is literally HUGE.  There's no special treatment, as in... even when you're the highest of the rank, you dont get an office. At all.  You get a table, along with everybody else. This place is so much more high-tech then the old hospital office.  Though I must admit, my corner office with a helicopter view (literally, I can the the rescue helipads) was much more interesting in terms of view.  Now as much as I enjoy this new office, I've made a secret pact with God.  Ofcourse, it has everything to do with my health. I may or may not quit. And if I quit, I wont even bother to think about going back to work for the rest of the year. The ball is not in my court now.  But ofcourse, I secretly have a wish on which way He will throw the ball to.  So, thank You that I can be who I am ...

Changed to one of the most powerful oral antibiotics.  Still not working and the temperature is rising.  Had a temper tantrum yesterday.  I blamed the fever.  Berasa kaya not myself tapi i couldn't help it.  Nguing2 aja gitu, ngoce2 ndewek. Macam lagi intoxicated gitu, bawaannya ngoceeee aja.  Tapi ngocenya ini ngoce ngomel2 menjurus ke ngamuk.  My target? The one and only Andi dong. That poor guy.  Tapi semua yg gw omongin itu uneg2 ati si.... told him I just dont understand how he can be so... cuek?  So ignorant, so to say.  Im not saying skrg si...  More like when it all started with my eyes. I may look cool and masa bodo on the outside,..... i even let people made fun of me kok for having to wear a granny glasses to read.  But seriously, had it ever occured to you how fucking SCARED I was?  Having to wake up and suddenly found yourself unable to read! Unable to see everything in close proximity?! I slept the night befo...

Ah. Apa lagi ini.  Been feverish since wednesday... not as high as last month. This one hover around 38.1°c - 38.9°c. Not high enough to keep me in bed.  Maybe I should.  Tapi ya ga bisa juga loh. Dah kelamaan bolos juga yg mustinya masuk dari kamis.  I went back to work Jumat kemaren, I reckon I did well.  Without niat blagu2, tapi gw cukup konfiden kalo I have a very good work ethic. And!!! My current project is sooo much fun!!! Im recruiting!! Damn! I love recruitments! I love being on the other side hahaha. Then after work pushed myself buat ketemuan sama temen SMP yg cuma mampir welli for 12 hrs. Jadi ajak dia dinner n liat night market.  Sampe rumah dah ampir jam 11 mlm kayanya. Maybe I shouldn't.  Then today morning went to Fairra's baby shower. Yg I kinda pushed myself juga karena she's been so nice to me. How can I not go to her baby shower.  Stayed there from 1045 til almost 5pm. Itupun i was one of the earliest to left the party looh....

Sepsis, for the second time in less than 7 months. This time I felt like it wasn't THAT bad, but when I read the summary it actually quite bad because this time my liver was compromised too.  As I said before, sepsis is no joke.  I dont really know how I get this life-threatening infection multiple times. I hadn't been feeling well since Saturday. I had nasty headache and temperature on Monday, but I was OK on Tuesday. Masi jalan seharian kok ngopi2 cantik and masi maen ke rumah temen (yea, surprise surprise... i DO have social life IF I want to).  I'll be starting my new job (separate post about this) next Monday, 26 June. So I thought I'll just have some check up on Wed. So I  went to Shona on Wednesday, 14 June. Just a couple hours before my scheduled appointment, my body was shivering. Ga lama sih... then I went ketemu Shona.  Pas di check ternyata I had 38.6 fever. Heart rate was 140 bpm. Blood pressure was still ok. Then she s...

Been almost 5 months since the surgery.  How am I? Good! Kalo ditanya gimana rasanya ga punya kantong empedu? Uumm.... sama aja sih sama ga punya usus buntu.  (Ampir) ga ada rasanya! Well, ga inget juga sih benernya how my life used to be when I still had my apendix. Soalnya itu usus buntu dibuang pas gw baru umur 9 taon. I can barely remember anything.  Back to gallbladder... if anything, I can only say it was the right decision (secara operasi gallbladder kasus gw ini kan sebenernya elective surgery).  Ga ada lagi tuh yg namanya eneg2, sakit2.  Walo 3 dokter masih puzzled kenapa my liver function dulu bisa elevated sih. Karena mereka unanimously said that it has nothing to do with the gallbladder.  Tapi nyatanya my liver test is completely normal after the removal.  Intinya, Im all better. Im good.  Efeknya cuma satu.  I get diarrhea almost instantly after eating oily food.  Makanya waktu di indo kemaren bisa ampir tiap makan tuh pasti...

Just got home today after spending 7 long days in the hospital again.  This one was by far the worst.  My bad sih kali ini.  All started about 2 weeks ago with what I suspected as a simple urine infection. I had no symptom apart from funny-smelling urine in the morning.  Then I had on-off low grade fever for few days, but really nothing. It felt like I was about to have a cold, that was all.  I honestly brushed it off my mind. I mean, I had enough. I just got back to work after 3 weeks off. I had a very productive week. Im about to go on holiday..... so no. Im not gonna see Shona for common cold. Or so I thought.  But I guess God loves me so much. Out of the blue, ga ada angin ga ada ujan - Monday 5 Dec Shona phoned me.  She was just checking to see how Im doing, coz few weeks ago I complained about my blurry vision post-op.  And after being stubborn and told her that I'll see an optometrists next year (coz I've had enough seeing specialist this y...