The Me Inside....

I know it's a little too late to be asking for christmas present, ... but can I please have my dog back? Please. I know. Can't have him back, can I? I just wanna dig a hole so deep that noone can see nor touch me. I need my friggin' space. I don't need all those speech about 'Piko doesn't want you to be sad' or 'just let him go..' or 'musti relain.. biar dikremasi, kan jiwanya udah ama Tuhan' and so on and on and oon.. Dont they think I know that? Aren't Christian allowed to have grieving moments, too? Isn't it normal not wanting to imagine how your best buddy for 15 years will be creamated? And you know what? As much as he's happy up there, Im pretty sure he misses me as much as I miss him. I just wanna be alone for a while. Ga lama kok. Just for awhile.. I know they all love me... and I appreciate it. Really. .. but as of now... DONT TALK TO ME!!! Text me, write me a comment, email me or whatever... JUST DONT TALK TO ME!!!!!! Pl...

I miss him so much.

Thank you so much, ... for being there for me. ... udah nungguin tiap kali aku pulang malem. Never complains even when I left you for years during my college years. Thank you.. that you always stood up for me. Thank you. ... for teaching me about unconditional love. Now that you're gone. .. I wish I can turn back time to 15 years ago when I saw u for the first time. Tapi gapapa dut. I know you've lived a very very good life while you're on earth. You died in the arms of your family. Literally. I love you. We love you. So very much. ... I hope you know that. I know , you know that. Dutiieh... kamu pahlawanku. And you will always be. Mulai dari bandel2nya pas SMP, ... sampe pas aku patah hati buat pertama kali pas SMA, ... terus pas aku ngambek gara2 ga boleh ke Perth waktu umur 16, Kamu juga yang nemenin waktu pertama kali aku ngebajak kamar ucok pas dia pertama ke Ostrali. Pas pertama ke KL, kata mami kamu ga mau tidur... kamu terus nungguin aku di tangga for days.. I dont...

On a break. Finally. I don't know if it's well-deserved, but it's very much needed. I've got about a zillion mental notes in my head, I think the world would run out of post-its should they all be written down. For the past eight weeks or so, I have been looking forward to this. Now all I need is another milestone somewhere along the not-so-distant future to keep me going before, possibly, crashing down my jet and the entire army down towards this end of year. My whole life is waiting for me to be re-constructed. I think somehow I'm ready. .... perhaps just unwilling to admit to the kind of reality I've yearned for half my life - in fear of looking back and wishing I'd chosen a different life altogether. Perhaps, because I know no other way, but this is what I want. This is definitely what I've always wanted. Life will only get better. Life will take me to an exciting road.. I am ready. I suppose it's alright.... we all get scared sometimes. I suppos...

ngantuk... ngantuk... oh ngantuknya diriku... Tiada tahan lagi tuk menunggu jem 4 Haiyooohh.....

Sembuh dong sayang..... you're like the best dog ever. Even now that you're old. Lord, please let him know that I love him. Tuhan, Piko harus sembuh. ... he has to sniff on my baby's feet. Just like what Boogey did to si kecil. Uncle piko has to sniff my little one. Comfort him, God. ... ease the pain and make him well.

Iya... Good morning world. Literally yg good morning world, ... karena sayah baru aja bernorak2 ria liat Google Earth. Teknologi makin lama makin canggih ya.. Gw checked out Auckland barusan. huhauhua..... can see my townhouse booo! Canggeeh. Btw, as usual... lagi ga niat kerja dong. Salahin cuacanya doong.. dingin gini.... Last night I had a great time praying. ... it's been a while. Sendirian, denger lagu and just worship. Pressing on till peace linger and tears rolled. It's really been a while. Im sure that God will make us a channel of blessings for others. Berkatnya udah siap kok buat dicurahin. (amiiin) ... tinggal siapin hati aja, kapasitasnya lagi di enlarge (amiiiin). And it is the assurance that keeps me going. .. The assurance that all things will be beautiful in its time. And the time will come kok. It will. Not just for me. ... tapi buat semua yg willing. ... buat semua yang ga give up. Yes, we have lots and lots and lots of shitty moments in our life. We had our h...

Udah ngendon di A-TARP (Aceh Technical Assistance Recovery Project) office. Sepi... Dingin... Duuh, kenapa ya ari kejepit gini kudu masuk juga? huehuhua... tapi tak apalah, demi masa depan nan cerah cemerlang. Lagi ngebayang2in sate kambing... Oh saya lapaaar..... Desember ini ada tiga yang baru. Dapet kado natal HP CDMA baru dari Andi... sooo loovving it. Kereeeen, keciiiil, tipiiiiss.. Im officially out of the dungeon of "hp buluk". Thanks to a very very thoughtfull hubby.... couldn't ask for more :) Kerjaan baru. ... yang waktu kerjanya awesome. Kitchen set! ..... lengkap dengan meja TV, meja printer dan lemari kamar mandi Akhirnyaaaaaa..... setelah more then a year, rumahku sudah tidak 'botak' lagi. Udah "descent" dan sudah siap buat ngundang tamu :D Thank You, God.... simply for everything. ... for paying extra attention to the finest details of our life. ... for meeting our every needs in an unimaginable ways. ... and for teaching us that it's ...

Hardi-nya Singapore jadi the first Asian Idol?? What the!?!?!? Mike or Mao should've won! Dasar orang2 singapur kiasu... pasti mereka sms menggila gitu deh.. Hmmppff! *ga penting banget postingan kali ini*

It's been 3 years, 9 months and 28 days, .... and I still can't get over it. Geez! I've got goosebumps all over just by seeing it on TV. Can still remember the smell of the air. My heart still pounds so hard each time I remember it. I left something unfinished. I simply have to come back there and finish what I've started. Lord, I need a closure. I do. Kendi goblok.

Iya, ga bisa lama kalo marah... :)

Had a great time this weekend. ... small reunion with the girls, makan sushi sebojong2 banyaknye... Seru nemenin si kojel kuar masuk bridal, n ended up kayanya dia bakal pake an altered night gown from Sebastian. Ngakak2 menggila sepanjang jalan... Then si kutu came and picked me up di PI. He came with a no-occasion white rose and little card, The card said : Thank you Poo-Kie, ... for colouring my life, and make this 'journey' .. worth and exciting.. Love, *sign* -hubby- So sweet... otaknya lagi lempeng tuh.. huehehe Poo-kie stands for "pooing-yangkie", coz he said I poo a lot. This morning he fixed me breakfast. He woke up earlier for his morning jog, then when I woke up, I found him in the kitchen coooking breakie. Hihihi.... me happy :) Kamsya yaaaa Anyway, tomorrow is a new day. Literally new. Moga2 semua lancar... *keeping psalm 131 vibrant and alive...*

.... muter2 di Metro plus Sogo. Pegeeeel banget.... Gara2 nungguin si Abo tim meeting, jadilah gw kalayapan sendiri. Enaknyaa... Liat baju monyet buat Sydney-ku, beli deeeh.... secara itu baju mungil banget. I wanna see baby! I wanna see baby! I wanna see bebbiiihh!!! I wanna see bebbiiiihhhh!!!!! I wanna see bebbbiiiihhhh!!!!! Btw, besok reuni sama Kojel n Ember. Wakakakaaakk, pasti ngakak2 lagi deee... Mo liat2 bridal n stuff buat si Kojel... ... which reminds me to book ticket buat Januari 2009, secara tu anak mo kawin di Bali. Ya sulala, mo nonton tipi kali yeee... Ps. I wanna see bebbbiiihh!!!!

Yep. Biarlah. I know what Im doing kok. I was a hockey player, (was looh... abis ada yg mecahin kaca sky-rink TA sih, jadi hockey lesson di banned dee, ya ga win? hehehe) .. so let's just apply some of the rules. Push me, and I'll definately push you harder. Some people need to learn to appreciate others. I did try kok. I fucking did. Dont talk to me as if I did not try. Wrooong approach, dude. Soooo wrooong. Fuck, jangan cuma bisa point a finger and blame others kaleee. .... how shallow... *giggles* Instropeksi laah. Belon apa2 udah pasang tampang bete, belon apa2 udah geleng2 pala, belon apa2 udah menghela2 napas ga puguh, belon apa2 udah bletak bletokin mouse yg ampe bikin orang2 pada nengok, belon apa2 udah negatip mulu bawaannya. Talking about bad attitude? heheheh... hillarious. *ngakaaak* Ask anybody yg kenal gw. Gw bukan tipe orang yg setengah2 when I put my heart to it. Now.... I've had enough. Mau ke laut?? Silahkaaan..... gih sono sendiri, gw mah ogah ke laut...

I've learned that some people take everything for granted. That no matter how you look out for them, ... at the end, all they think about is how to safe their own ass. Though Im still learning to overcome the pains, But I've learned that at the end of all things, ... you may only see very few people who'd go all the way with you to the finish line. But life is an un-ending curves of learning. Some people are here to stray. Some people are here to stay. I know Im one who'd stay. One who'd go all the way for the people I love. but God, at this point of time, ..... I need a heart transplant! puh-leeessh *winks* Toodle doos! *curtsy*

Tau ga sih? I hadn't had time to write about this. ... but my baby niece was born last Sunday, the 25th. It's been a while since I really prayed so earnestly. .... it's been a while since the last time I raised my hands up and really bless someone. Know what? That tiny creature changed me in a way I can't explain. Really. Grow up well, little one.

Yep. Had a loooong one today. Physically battered, my legs are so sore I can't stand up straight, BUT! I had sooo much fun. It was honestly a blast. It's been a while. Thanks girls :)

Lappeeerrr!!!!

I think I hurt myself pas tenis tadi. I may have sprained my ribs' ligament. ... tiap tarik napas sakitnya ngujubileeee. Sama kaya ati gw. ... makin dipikir, gw jadi sedih. Dia cuma mikirin diri sendiri terus, herrraaan. Pengen banget bisa ga peduli lagi, tapi malah makin kepikiran. N tiap kali kepikiran ati jadi kaya dibesot2. Kenapa ya, ga sekalian aja dia ambil piso trus tusuk gw. Mendingan gitu... biar beres sekalian kan? Isn't she suppose to be my rock when I need her the most? Tapi dia malah act as if nothing happen, Usaha kek buat nyelesain masalah sampe ke akar2nya. Ah. Udalah. Let's just play the game.

I suppose, it would be grossly unfair to make judgment based on a moment's worth of frustration. After all you've done for me. And I suppose it's my turn now. You'll be okay. You'll be okay :)

I sat in the car with you. Listened to the radio like we always do on Saturday, changed channels every two minutes, and turned up the volume when they played songs that we know. The sky shed its tears, The rain. A metaphor of a brush, a brush that painted away our vision of the outside world, ... as though they didn't matter. And to be honest with you, nothing else did matter at that time. It was just you, and I, and the radio. Im so glad God unites us :)

Isn't it obvious that I'm a bit jittery on blogging today? hehehe.... just feel like blabbing. Sebenernya, Im a bit anxious. A bit thrill. A bit excited. A bit happy. A bit confuse. A bit dissapointed. A bit of that and a bit of this. Im currently eating a humongous piece of bacon which I bought at foodhall. Bacon helps me think. ... and regulate the blood system in my brain. Oh, and I swear this thing is like expiring soon. but it tastes alright. So whatever. Let's just hope it doesnt give me an extra dosage of moron-ization. ... its not like i dont have enough. huheuhua Hmmm... oh wells. I dont have anything in particular to blog about. No. Wait! ... actually.... I have too many things on my mind to blog about. ... I dont know which to blog first and how to convey them in words. or pictures. I think of like 10 things at a time I dont even know what im thinking about. Its either my brain is working too fast. ... or I just dont have the basic skills of thinking. however- im...

Jadi inget... hihihi, dulu waktu jalan sama temen kantor, ada yg kaget pas denger gw ngomong sama Andi di telpon. Kagetnya kenapa? .... simply karena gw ngomong sama Andi pake "elu-gw", dan bukan "aku-kamu". Katanya gw gila ngomong elu-gw ke suami. Huahuhauhua!! Ngakak deh gw... hihihi... orang2 indo tuh suka aneh2 ya. Gapapaaaa.... udah biasa diomongin orang. Yg penting, he is my love.. and I am his. .. with The Big Dude as our center of everything, Im sure we'll make it through. Yes, we had our highs and lows.. but all in all, it's trully a wonderful journey all together. As corny as this may sounds, Getting married means a promise. A promise made to be together for as long as we would, ... for as long as we could, ... for as long as God unite us until we vanished back to a speck of dust. *well, i wouldn't wanna be burried.. just cremate me!* It was an agreement made out of two conscious minds, ... involving a big faith that we will make it through, Ja...

OK, it's misuh-misuh time now... What the heck is wrong with all those people ya? Duuuh, God please enlarge my heart. Let me have a bigger heart. .. please help me! Those people are really getting on my nerves. Bener2 annoying ga puguh. Duuuh, kok dia kiasu banget ya? so what gitu? Jujurnya sih, gw pengeeeen banget ngadu ke Soo Lan. ... tapi no, if I do that... then gw ga beda dong sama dia? Aaarrgghh!!! I wish SL is here. Tuhaaan, let me be the bigger man. *misuh misuh lagi* O iya, by the way... This blog is MY blog, so I can write anything I want without having to give any explanation to anybody. I owe nothing to nobody *winks*

Capeek... today was somehow so draggy. Woke up early, went to office for a while, hit the court and sweat myself out. Felt good tadi... well, at least for the first 10 minutes. I hit the balls hard and precise. .. must admit, haven't played that well for sooo long. But it only last for about 10 minutes or so. Lost my stamina out of sudden, had cold sweat and decided to stop and rest. What else.. what else... Oh, visited baby Mitzy for a couple hours. That ding-dong baby is starting to crawl around. God knows Im not ready to have one my own!! buset daah.. pecicilan sana sini tu anak. .... honestly, she ain't the prettiest baby, but she surely has that "it" factor... the kind that simply makes you melt and adore her. And surprisingly, that tiny-little creature can reads!! Well, at least she recognizes letters.. she knows which one is "MAMI" and which one is "PAPI". Also "ENGKONG". Geez!! Quite amazing for an 11-months old. Thumbs up babe!

My iPhone has finally arrived! Yay! It's about time. After 5 years, it's time for my sweet Nokia 6100 to retired. I love my nokia still!!! Anyway, baby apple is the newest edition to my Apple family. ... and also the first female. The Apple siblings are : 1. Aldo, the 4GB iPod Nano 2. Apple, the 17" iMac 3. Little Apple, the 12" PowerBook G4 laptop 4. Baby Apple, the 4GB iPhone The Apple cousins (Ucok's) on the pics are : 1. Flacky, the 13.3" MacBook 2. the 'nameless' iPod classic 80 GB 3. the 'no-name' 8GB iPhone Well, too bad Im staying over at parents' ... can't show Apple the iMac on the photo. and I forgot to take Aldo along too :( Huahauhua.... Im being such a braggy brat. Im allowed! After being crowned as "a girl with the worst mobile phone" for 3 consecutive years, yes... I think Im allowed to show off a bit. 3 full years of mockery... .. but again, I LOVE MY NOKIA STILL!!! Blueiy is the apple of my eyes....

Yep. ... After almost a month, I finally have the mood to write. I've done lots and lots of thinking (again). ... about me, about life, about choices, about everything under the sun. Life has been a roller coaster lately. One day Im up, the other Im down. Standard manusia lah ya... And no, Im not talking about work nor money, it's a little deeper than just that. It's about hopes and expectations. Life keeps getting in the way Whenever I tried, somehow the plan is always rearranged. Some days, hope is all that I held on to. .. other days, it is all that I left behind. It's not fair. I try so hard. Oh well!

It's been 361 day since the day I got married. Lagi liat2 my blog last year , pas udah deket2 mo merit... busset, ternyata gw sempet stress juga yeee. hihihi... lucunya dirikuuu :) It's a good thing that I keep record of what's going on in my life. ... Im glad that Im one who writes, blogging and diary-ing. I can reflect and learn from my own life... I laughed and cried when I read my own story of life... It was a huge step from there to here. ... from 14 June 1998 till 29 September 2006. And now, we'll be having our first anniversary in few days. We'll take a moment off our busy schedule and take time to reflect and celebrate. Pas lagi liat2 blog yg lama, lagi baca2 diary juga.... Ternyata Tuhan itu baiiiik banget ya. From the moment of my salvation on February 7, 1999 till now Ternyata I've been through A LOT with Him. Gw bener2 di 'proses', ditempa,..... Through all the ups and downs, and I can see that I grew up. Huhauhauha..... not a moment in my li...

This, is gonna be another random post... Drove home alone today. ... it felt soo damn goood! :) I understand now why SL said she loves driving. I love driving alone too! *but ofcourse, my driving skill is much better then SL* It gives me lots of "me" time. A time when I can have it all for myself. ... somehow it gives me peace of mind. Listened to my old U|X Band CD, cranked the volume up and just sang along like nobody business. God forbid, I sang waaaay out of tune and.... loud! And I mean, WAAAAYY OUT OF TUNE! and I mean LOUUDD! hehehe, but then... it was only me and God, so yeah :) I texted SL yesterday, I miss her. Heaps. She always make me feel better. Always. It seems like, she always say the right thing at the right time. Im trully blessed... wherever I go, God sent someone to look after me. I have SL in Malaysia, I have Jo in NZ, I have many in Indo. What more can I ask for? :) Talked to bugem on the phone this morning. ... she's getting married in less then 2 we...

Tadi pagi bangun jam 5... trus mandi, trus leha2 lagi, sempet ketiduran lagi 15 menitan. Then off me go to tennis court. ... surprisingly, ni ari stamina gw cukup bagus. Ga cape2, pdhal udah mukul sekenceng2nya tadi. Sparing ama Pa' Sarmada.... tu orang biar uda tua n lg puasa teteep aje kuat. Stamina gw sih tadi kuaat, but my thumb is killing me. ... almost got a blister, makanya agak perih kalo mukul kenceng2. Belon puas sih tadi maennya. Lagi pengen maen..... Apalagi ya? trus sempet ke rumahnya Mitzy juga, ... numpang makan supermi sebungkus n makan rujak. Setelah kenyang, off me go ke mal gading. Janji ketemuan ma si San2 jem 12, tu anak nongol ampir 1/2 3! Ganti senar raket tadi... jadi tambah pengen maeeen deeh.. harusnya raketku tercinta jadi enak banget dipakenya. Fell in love sama raket Wilson yg warna biru-nya "GUE" banget, ada grafir bunga dikit di pinggirannya... haranya? ampir 3 juta...... pengeeeenn. Sabar ya kendi... sabbaar... Btw, uda lama banget ga golf...

Sometimes, just sometimes.... friendship fails. ... and when it does, it pierced you inside.... then out . Yes. You dont even know it hurts. You dont even know :(

.... because even when friendship failed, you're the one that stays. At the end of all things, .... be rest assured that you have my heart. All of it. I heart you :) Heaps.

Selamat deh yg pulang lewat Casablanca, .... pasti muaacceeet buanggeeett. Secara besok kan puasa, pasti banyak yg nyekar ke kuburan situ. Duuuh, Sooo much thing I aspire to. Sooo much yg belon tercapai. Can we really have it all in this life time ya? Here I am, putting all my faith on the table. Perhaps, I could rest my head on something real. Jalan2 ke Eropa lagi yuuukk.

Siiip!! Way to go! Five thumbs up! Good job! Well done!! FINALLY! We've got some celebrity with a REAL brain inside! Am watching this Mamamia Show, and salah satu penyanyinya pake burung dara sebagai 'aksesoris'. Standard orang indo yang ga ada otak! Tu burung dimasukin kotak kecil gitu... kan kasian... Komen pertamanya Sophia, dia bilang : " saya terganggu dengan burungnya... lain kali plis jangan bawa2 binatang, kasian. Saya ga mau liat ada binatang disakiti " Woo-hoo! Finally ada juga orang yg punya conscience kalo binatang itu makhluk idup! Ada satu sinetron tolol ttg monyet... gw liat cuplikannya, disitu ada anak kecil yang mukul monyet pake kemoceng. And they make it as though it's a funny thing. What the hell?!?!?!!! Itu kan sama aja meng-convey message ke semua orang (anak2 terutama) kalo it's okay to hurt animal. GOBLOK! Belon lagi acara reality show waktu itu... sinting! Buat membuktikan kalo alkohol cap tikus itu keras, mereka pake anak anjing! ...

Had a lousy day yesterday. Been sick the whole friggin' night and day, uda lamaaa ga sakit, sekalinya sakit langsung sekarat gitu. Sampe kepikiran polis asuransi.. heuhuhe.. Jadi mikir, kalo gw mati gimana... kan polisnya belon di issued and stuff. huehuahuha.. tolol. Sekarang udah feel much much better, tinggal lemes n sakit perut yg on and off gitu. Anyway, Dimitris came yesterday. My cousin from Greece. Temen 'bandel' waktu jaman2 SMP dulu. ... maen roller jem 4 pagi dari buaran ke gading... pake roller blade! Kalo dipikir2 gw sinting n nekat banget euy. Dia liburan disini till 28th Sep. Dateng sama pacarnya, Magdalini. I like the girlfriend. She's sooo nice. Si Dimitris juga has a nice set of abs.. heuhuehu.. kayaknya 6 packs, secara dia baru kelar wajib militer disono. Tar ah, kalo gw uda ga malu2 mo gw liatin perutna. kakakakkaaaakk Tapi tu anak a bit short sih as a bule yah.. dandanannya si keren lah... standard bule yg cuek2 gitu. Tatonya si jeleeek banget... ba...

The sky shed it tears today, it brought my memory back to Albert Park back in Auckland. In days like this, I normally 'talked' to God in that park. Pouring my heart out. At this present days, there's not much differences. Here I am, listening to my iPod at Starbucks, looking out the windows, watching the fountain, ... and surprisingly.... today is freezing cold! *ya lah... AC-nya nyemprot langsung ke gw!* ...... Pouring my heart out to the Big Dude up there. God, My little brain seems to wander around again. This time, my thoughts went to a super-casual conversation in that room. Didn't think about that convie till earlier this week. I owe someone an apology. Big time. Everybody has regrets and everybody deserves a second chance. ... and Im sorry for blaming him all these times. I know I never said that audibly, but at the back of my head... I know that I was blaming him. And I didn't realized that, the place means THAT much for him. Now I know that he misses that c...

Too much thing in my head. My mind is waaay over loaded that I dont feel like doing anything. Laper. Pengen sate kambing Mang Entis. Pengen haagen-dasz greentea, tp males keluar... pdhal ada satu bucket di kulkas. Mendadak lagi kangen banget ama SL. ... need her tonight. Really wish she's here. I miss Jo too. So very much. She's in the bahamas now, floating on her dream yacht. Lagi bete tonight. mood not good. good night.

I gasped with my jaw on my knees when I saw the new iMac. Look at these beauties!!!! Im sooo drooled! Monitornya sih ga terlalu beda jauh ama yg punya gw skrg, bedanya, the new iMac has an anodized aluminum frame and glass cover. And obviously... thinner. The monitor, I can still handle.. ... but the keyboard? .... my goodness.. Im speechless. super thin and so friggin' cool! That's like... a picture of perfection. Ga berani ke apple store dulu ah, ga kuaaatt kalo megang2 itu benda... andaikata Andi bisa gw gade'in, bakal gw gade'in dia di pegadaian. ....... demi one set of new iMac. I simply have to have this. duuh, andaikata duit gw uda ga berseri..... sabar ya nak.... sabbaaar..... Gila oh gila oh gila oh gillaaaaaa....

Agak bingung liat si mami. ... Some people are born with a natural ability to take care of others. Ya si mami itu salah satunya. Mulai dari taking care of me, bro, papi, oma, ..... even Piko n Kakah! Sekarang Piko lagi sakit... kayaknya urat sarafnya ada yg kejepit, jadi suka sakit bbrp detik gitu. Si mami yg paling telaten... tiaaap ari Piko dijemur pagi2, ditungguin sambil dipijitin n diajak ngomong. Terus tiap malem matanya di lap pake tisu. Kalo gw sih tiap saat juga ajak piko ngomong. ... kadang gw pijitin juga.... tapi beda ama mami... dia tuh bener2 yg tipe "ngerawat" gitu.. Hmm... beneran ga nurun ke gw bakatnya.

ACS has been approved by the Australian Government last Wednesday. God, could this be it? ... Im a bit anxious nih... agak takut buat berharap. Tapi sebelumnya, tengkyu banget nget ngeeeet! ACS-nya di approve tanggal 29 Agustus 2007. Peraturan baru mulai diberlakukan tanggal 1 September 2007! Duuh, Tuhaaan..... makasih banget yaaaa.... kalo ikut aturan baru, pasti lebih susah... kalo ikut aturan baru, belum tentu point-nya cukup. N good thingnya, biaya buat DIMIA kata Andi udah ditalangin dulu ama Om Gun. ... coz kita baru sempet nukerin dollarnya hari kamis kemaren. God, it seems to us that you started to clear the way. Im sooo thankful for that.. tapi agak takut nih buat berharap ke depannya... Jujurnya sih masih agak susah percaya kalo all these are really happening. Still a bit hard to believe that we're actually submitting the application. ... duuuuh, Tuhankuu bantuin yaaa ya yaaa ya ya yaaaaa... Help me, to overcome yg doubts. Tadi si Mervi sms lagi.. tu orang yaaah! Kalo sms...

Had a lovely 'date' with Andi on Saturday night. Was planning to go to The Piano, but review said the food wasn't that good. Had a little help from bro, he suggested Q Smoke House Factory. We did follow his advice, and we had a marvelous dining experience! Great cozy place, great service, great food, great company, and surprisingly... great price!!! 30% off with Mandiri Visa... so we ended up paying ONLY Rp. 102,000!!!!!! Ajaib! Taste exactly the same as Tony Roma's ribs, but price was 4 (FOUR!) times cheaper. Yay! :D After dinner went to Senayan City and had a stroll. ... I was (still am!) looking for a close-end shoes. Susah yaaa cari sepatu... grrr... Today, went back to Q for lunch with the whole family. They loved it! Mami malah ga percaya ama harganya.... there were 7 of us, and kita makan menggila hanya dgn menghabiskan Rp. 259,000! Makanan bintang lima, harga kaki lima. kakakakaa Trus ke Arta lagi... standard lah, si papi n ucok ngopi di coffee tree. Trus Andi a...

Dear God, Ko masih pedih ya? You know what I mean. I thought I've healed. ... but it was tougher than what I thought I'd be. Ini sisi 'manusia'-nya seorang kendi. Kendi-nya Tuhan... Kendi yg masih harus banyaaak banget belajar. Pengen banget nyelesai-in apa yg dulu udah dimulai. Itu aja. Lord, I need a closure. .. Im not gonna lie to You. It's been a very very tough ride. Tapi liat deh, my hands are open. ... semua I lay it down. My joys, tears, laughters, gratitudes, pains... Semua ada disitu, Tuhan. My heart and my hands are lifted to You. I believe that, Tuhan-nya kendi, ... is a good God. Tuhan yg punya kontrol penuh atas idupku. Penuuh sepenuh2nya. So Lord, ... Do take the wheel. ............... In my life you're all that matters In my eyes the only truth I see When my hopes and dreams have shattered You're the one that's there for me ................ Imagine me without you I'd be lost and so confused I wouldn't last a day, I'd b...

I've often said that life is all about choices, ... but last night, I've added one more 'dogma' in my cart. Life is also about discovering. ... and relationship is one of the greatest ways to discover life's greatest treasures. Thanks, to all of you who have made such a difference in me. And especially to the husband :) ... you've coloured my life. My heart felt so warm... literally. I think.... Im in love. All over again. My love for you is bigger than your weaknesses. Da ah.. mo jemput ke erpot..

I was so sure that I can fight the moonlight, but ended up fighting myself again and again. God, krisis lagi niih.... ke-ri-siiss.. mayday mayday, .... calling headquarter for an emergency landing, mayday maydaaaay!! Andi lagi ga ada pula, then hooow? ngomong ma sapa doong soal ini? Andiiii...... pulang cepetan sayaang. Duuuh... Tuhankuuuu, I wish You're a tangible being right now. aku bisa ga sih? ... ko kayanya ga nyampe2 ya tujuannya? hiks... Ciiiaaattt, ayo kendi! semangaaaaattt... tu' wa' tu' wa' hop hop hoooop. Inget yaaa dirikuu, ingeeeettt... Hidup hanyalah suatu perjalanan pendek ... yang harus di nikmati dan di syukuri terlepas dari apapun yang menimpa kita. Amiiiin... ayo semangaaaaaattt!!

Back from his outbound trip. Disiksa die selama sehari semalem. .. tidur di tenda yg isinya 12 orang, trus didera disuru manjat2 puhun n melintasi sungai.. Pokonye ditorture deeeh Du'i'leeee! Gayanyeee selangiiittt...... Padahal cuma kena sunburn, tapi laganye udeh kayak orang kelindes buldoser! Wakakakaaaakk.... He's such a big baby. Goyang dikit " aduuu, duuh duuuhh... periih " Ketoel dikit " adduuuhhhh!!!!! perrriiiihhh!!! " Terrruss, kakinye kan besot2... dikasih betadine, trus pas bediri " ADUUUHHHHH!! DUUUH!! SAKIIIIITTT!!! " Buuussseeettt daaahh! Such a baabbbyyy... manja bener die. ... sekarang ude ngorok dengan gaya tidur yg super amit2. *kaki ngangkang super gede, tangan melok guling, mulut nganga* ... pokonya ga indah banget de diliatnya. mhoakakakaaaakk Glad he's back in one piece, ada anak yg jatoh kena tulang pantat n kudu dibawa ke RS. ... n udah jerit2 saking sakitnya n sampe pingsan bbrp kali. kasian... tp thank God ga ada ...

I do! No one tucked me in last night, No one hugged me good night, No one forced me to drink water before sleep. Aaaaaaa!! I want my kuutttuuuuuu!!!

The little voice inside my head has finally spoken. It's been a long time coming. It shatters every possible logic in my brain knowing that I've free-fallen without a safety net down below. Maybe the trick was to close my eyes and let things be. .... but it's not pain that I fear, it's knowing that you might get hurt when I finally open these eyes. I was never one who's afraid to burn ... well, at least I haven't been, for a long time. Trust me, it's you all Im thinking of.

I kinda understand how you feel. ... in a different context, obviously. Aku mengerti, akan satu rasa yang tidak mau pergi, yang selalu menetap di jiwa di raga, di asa, di hati... Sesuatu yg tersimpen rapih dipojok relung hati. ... yg bisa terlihat tanpa bisa kusentuh. Kuas yg mewarnai kanvas hidupku. ...... yg bisa membuatku tertawa dan menangis di waktu yg sama. Rasa yg membuatku menjadi.... aku. Thanks for sharing. I love you so soooo much.

Orang2 emang kadang2 kayak kentut. Cuma bisa ngomong doooaang... "I'll be there for you" or "... anytime you need me" or some other shits. Tapi sekalinye bener2 dibutuhin, diajakin... "ooh, musti bikin appointment dulu.. ni ari gw sibuk, musti ini, musti itu" pantat. Emang jadi orang ga bole kelewat merluin ama orang. .. sekalinye kita yg perlu orang2 pada ilang. Jadi gitu game plan-nya... ya uda, hayooooo daaah.........

Pengen banget pergi jauh. Jaauuuhh! Literally yg million miles away. Searian gw begulet, beguling, bekarate ama hati sama logika... cuma dapet satu hasil..."gw ga maaauuuuuu!!!" tapi biar gitu... tetep aja... rasa 'ga enak' and 'kewajiban' itu tetep ada... Ni ari hati sama logika perang lagi. ... antara marah, kesel, benci DAN toleransi. Pantat! I know everyday is a battle... tapi today is exceptionally hard! Gw lagi pengen pergi jauh dari sini... jaaaaauh dari semua... Pengen lepasin semua karung goni isi batu yang gw bawa... .. cape lari sambil bawa karung yang beratnya ampun2 itu... pengen berenti, lepasin karungnya... trus istirahat... Tapi selama gw masih disini, gw ga akan pernah bisa istirahat! .. kebanyakan orang2 yg too friggin' judgmental dan gila hormat!! Tuhan, musti gimana sih sayah?? Penggeeeeenn lepas dari semua embel2 duit, duit n duittt!! Pengeeeen beduaan aja ama Andi tanpa harus mikirin orang laen!! Egois?? No! Kalo gw egois, gw ga akan ...

And you know what's the best part of my day? It starts and ends with you. Have a blessed day, Di...

Blaguuu.... die mo beli saham AXA ! Mhoakakakaaaakkk, katanya "kan keren" gitu.. hihihi... ya udah, sono beli. Walo saat ini cuma sanggup beli 60 lembar. cuma segede upil dibagi beratus2 bagian kecil. huahuehuheu.... Ternyata orang investasi itu awal2nya sengsara yeee!! Ude 3 bulan kudu iket pinggang, bahkan sampe leher iketnya.... gara2 duitnya kepake mulu buat modal. Gapapa, gapapa..... bentar lagi we'll reap harvest-nya (amiiiiin) mendayung2 ketepian, berenang2 kemudian. .... *eh? kayaknya ada yg aneh ama tu kalimat? hmmm* Anyway, andi lagi bantuin gw bikin 'homework' nih. Tuh, lagi nulis2... huheuahuaha makasih, makasih.... Im so blessed... walo kadang dia such a pain in the ass. kakakakak Hari ini, kenapa ya perasaan agak sedikit ngeganjel?

Today never ends. Tadi jalan bertiga sama spoof and moof (papi mami, quote Saran). ... cuma ke Arta doang, jalan2 di Ace, beli keran aer buat ucok. Trus ngopi di coffee tree as usual. dari jam 6 - 10. Spoof was in a very very bubbly mood tadi. ... in a good way, dia cerita soal semua yg ga penting. heuhuhuhua. Im sooo happy liat papi ngerangkul mami, senyum2, mami juga gandeng tangan papi. Pemandangan itu.... was the best gift a daughter can ever received from her parents. I wish hari ini ga pernah berakhir. I wish hari ini akan terus terulang. Lord, please please please gimme a chance ya. Chance buat nyenening mereka bedua. Please grant them perfect health and umur panjang. Plese juga, help them buat preserve their love. .... jangan biarin kejadian taon 2005 keulang lagi ya. Trus, apa lagi ya? Ooo.. udah dapet vendor buat kaos2ku. waakakkakaaaakk, tinggal cari design aja nih. kikikikiiiiikk. Benerin ati aaah, masih banyak nih yg bengkok2. .. kudu dilempengin ..

.... tapi ga bisa pengen bobo lagi. Been awake since 5 am. Couldn't sleep since 2 am. Wat to do, wat to do today? O iyaaa, mo nyuruh Mila cuciin BH baru. kemaren akhirnya beli juga sport bra warna biru. I loovvee the colour.. gue banget! makasih ya kutuu. *nengok ke arah meja belajar* Duuuh..... too many documents yg kudu dibenahiin. Ko mood-nya belum muncul yaa buat bebenah? .. mana tadi si kutu nambahin 2 gepok dokumen pula. udah kriting2 ga jelas gitu. Sebeel. Ga sabar pengen buru2 dapet projek akuarium dari papi. kapan yaaaa? biar banyak kangtaw... amiiiinn. Ni pagi lagi random banget otak gw. .... si kakah ko tumben mulutnya bau ya? makan apa tadi die? Kemeja baru si kutu uda dicuci belon ya? besok mo dipake... Udah mulai bosen liat dasi2 dia. .. pdhal bejibun tu dasi, tapi tetep aja pengen beli lagi. Sabtu ini up up the hill with FA tercinta. ... jumat kemaren happy ketemu anak2 ga jelas itu. huahuhua... si donat and abo udah mulai mengibarkan bendera perang. kocak aje... ket...

I should be sleeping by now, but the eyes feels so light it wont close. ... thinking about Phil coz of Eka's email. grrr, if only he was strong enough. Something about the midnight air breathes a certain kind of peaceful silence. It's like the whole world is waiting with me. ... and I find an instantaneous, overwhelming comfort. Just by being . There are times I wish I could just stop the world from spinning around my head. Just for one, quiet moment so I could breathe and let go. ... but the thing about life is, it's not always quite the caramel-coated fudge you always dreamed it would be. Because we all know that too much sweetness just kills you. So I guess eventually we can always laugh about it - the way we always do. Make jokes about what hurts us the most. Make fun of others with the exact same flaws. ... because we try so hard to ignore the pain sometimes. But that's okay. When all seems too much, this is the time I dare spend to keep my sanity intact. When you...

Tadi abis ngomong sama si kutu. well, sebenernya si ga ngomong2 gimana.... .... cuma ngeluapin kekeselan aja. Of aaall people, I know that I believe in him and support him more then anybody else does. I know he has the potential, he has such a huge capacities in him. .... tapi kayak berlian, dia tuh masih dekil sekarang. masih kudu dipoles pake amplas besi. At the same time, gw juga dipoles. it's like a double-edges sword... sama2 diasah biar tajem. ..... biar bisa jadi a better us. So, mari berjuang bersamaaaaa... ciaaattt! It's just a matter of time. just a matter of time, dear.

Ga bisa tidur lagi.... cuma ada satu pertanyaan yg terus2an ada di otak n ati gw. Tujuan idup gw apa sih? lahir, sekola, kerja, kawin, beranak, mati? yaa elaah.. shallow banget kalo cuma begitu. Aaarrrgghh!! another subject : gw sebbbeeeeeeeelll. die ga ngerti siiii. musti gw mulu yg ngertiin die? apa susahnya si ambil keputusan? mo jalan mane, nanya. mo nonton dimana, nanya. ga bisa pake BCA, bisanya cash doang.... nanya. segitu susahnye ye ngambil keputusan?? Belon lagi masalah how to value others... halaaaahhh, makin ruwet iye! Lagian minggu ini dia nyebeliiiiin banget.

Tersentuh banget by this simple line from ucok. "andi ama kamu tuh complimenting each other banget sebenernya" all these times gw rasa cuma Andi n gw yg tau. Orang2 selalu liatnya gw yg jahat, gw yg rese, gw yg judes, gw diktator, and all those. Tadi abis curhat bbrp hal ke ucok. well, ga nyangka juga sih dia (of all people) yg encourage me in his own way. SMS dia pas gw merit masih gw simpen rapi. He said "U two really poured ur heart into the wedding, the party was great, better than I expected. U can really smell the love in the air. I am truly happy for u and ur choice of man. U got 1000% of my blessing. Love u much and more." Sent : 21:53:23 30.09.2006 From thousands of people who wished me, his was the only one really touched me. Somehow, he understands. ... more then anybody. *berkaca-kaca ni... daammn, kalo mami liat pasti rese* Kemaren juga pas lagi sebbbeeeelll banget mami, he was there, being my punching bag. Ga sok2 kasih nasehat, ga nge-judge... simply...

Seneenngg !!! Piko biar uda tua, uda ompong, uda rabun, ... tapi dia teteeeep sayang guuaaa!! Kalo menurut dia gw lagi "terancam", dia ga ragu2 buat ngumpulin kekuatan, bangun, lari, n berusaha gigit orang yg mengancam gw. Tadi lagi becandaan ama Andi. Si kutu itu mo ngangkat gw.. trus secara reflek gw jejeritan. Eeehh!! Tiba2 piko dateng, gonggong n berusaha gigit andi. Horreee!! Piko emang sayang banget ama gw. Dulu waktu muda, dia selalu belain gw... tapi secara sekarang dia uda mulai tua, jadi dia "pilih-pilih", kalo dia tau gw cuma bebecandaan, dia bakal cuma ngeliatin doang. Tapi tadi, dia berasa gw bener2 dalam bahaya. hihihi.. dia langsung gesit ngejar andi. huhauuha... marah dia. *walo udahannya langsung batuk2* Aiiih dogiii!! Aku sayaaaaang sekali sama kammmuuu. Dogs are better then man. .. at least they're genuine. Kayak kakah, dia selalu setia menanti, selalu happy biar abis diomelin gara2 maen aer. Duuh, idupku jadi penuh warna ceria karena kalian. ...

Mellow yellow jellow again. I've been doing lots of thinking lately. .... about life. .... about dreams and hopes. .... about me. And the results? hihihi, sekarang ini gw lagi terserang krisis kepercayaan sama diri sendiri, ngrasanya ga bisaaaaaaa terusss... ga bisa ini, ga bisa itu... makanya kadang suka rada stress. but you know what? ... through it all, I grew up. I may not like it, but doesn't change the fact that I did grow up. People around me juga grow up. I guess we're all changing as we get older ya? Good thingnya, walo lagi ga pede, I found myself as an optimist. Yg jelek bisa jadi bagus. Yg ga mungkin pasti jadi mungkin. Im happy to say that I am, a positive person. Yes, I wasn't always on top. I slumped, I had my low moments. ... but I always bounced back up. And each time, I believe it's getting better. Gw bersyukuuur bgt, ... bahwa hidup gw warna warni. Gw yakiin banget kalo gw n Andi sedang menapaki tangga kesuksesan. Tangga yg kita bangun diatas dasa...

Watching some crappy infotainment while typing this... What the heck is wrong with Indonesians ya? Tamara Blezynski (however u spell it) udah officially divorced kok. .. terserah dia dong mau jalan ma sapa. .. mo pacaran ama sapa kek, kan udah legal dimata hukum... lagian mantan suaminya juga no saint kok. ... bisanya cuma meng-eksploitasi anak doang *pdhal anaknya cakeeep... sayang namanya jelek* pake dibanding2in, katanya dulu pas kawin pake baju ketutup, sekarang pake baju yg terbuka.. baahh!! Peopleee!!! It's a dress she's weariing for goodness' sake!! yaaa wajar dong kalo pake dress tangan buntung. Doooh!! Mantan laki-nya juga kayak kentut ngomongnya, "yaaah, harus tau norma2 dan etiket kemusliman dong..." WHAT THE HECK ?!?!? herraan deeh.. orang2 munafik yg cuma bisa komplein. complain, complain, complain... NGACA DOOONGGG!!! Don't u have anything better to do? benahin bangsa jek, benahin moraaalll! Jgn bisanya cuma tereak2 Oulohuakbar tapi sambil vandal...

tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai tai ...