The Me Inside....

So much going on lately.  You won’t believe what’s been up.  It’s a crazy whirlwind. Anyway, I met with Allain last Friday.  He said I was grumpy... he could feel my anger so palpable.  At the end, he told me that I scared him. If I was someone else, he would’ve read my Rights...  but he knew it’ll drive me to the edge if he do that.  So he didn’t.  Good.  I’m too intelligent, he said.  ... and that I’m being too hard on myself.  He wanted me to promise.  ... but I said no.  I don’t make promise I can’t keep. He admitted he was pushing my buttons.  He said I needed to let it out. That’s why he kept pushing my buttons.  But I had a bloody good self control.  I didn’t explode even though he could see that I was in rage.  God, where did I go wrong? How did I manage to go down this road? ... and more so, how will I survive? The fact that I survived this long in itself is a miracle....

Another surgery is coming next week. A much anticipated surgery this time. They're going to fix my wing so I can use my left arm again. Tapi apparently my blood test aint good. Very low on iron AND neutrophils. Low iron is not something new for me, but low neutrophils is. It's a type of white blood cells that fight off infections. Me being neutropenic a week before surgery is the last thing I need. Im prone to infections even with normal neutrophils. Now my risk of infections increase very significantly. A harmless common cold can make me really sick coz my body doesn't have enough WBC to fight the viruses off. Kesel pisan to be honest. Takut jadi di postpone surgerynya. Not that I like being under the knife, but Im tired of having an invisible disability. I can't wash my hair with my left hand. I can't undo my bra. I can't change the gear of my car. And since Im driving a European car, the indicator is on the left side.... I c...

First post of 2019 turns out to be a rather, scary one.  Never have I ever had a really, really near miss like the one I just had.  I had an early shift, I started at 4 am today. So naturally, I woke up before 2 am.  Plus I haven't really been sleeping since my ICU days more than a year ago. Had wrote about this (heck! I've written a whole bunch of things!) in my draft folder, but thought it'll be for my eyes only.  Anyway... so I've dosed off a number of times lately, but nothing major really.  Plus I've NEVER drive tired when Im driving Andi or Onya.  It's like there's a switch in my brain yg bisa atur kapan kudu alert, kapan boleh slack off.  I know I have a weird brain.  Like, seriously.  Tadi uda mau sampe rumah, I was on the motorway just after Newlands. Next thing I knew, my car made a very loud noise from the gravel and thank God for BMW's technology - the steering wheels was vibrating like mad.  ...