Dammit.

So much going on lately. 
You won’t believe what’s been up. 
It’s a crazy whirlwind.
Anyway, I met with Allain last Friday. 
He said I was grumpy... he could feel my anger so palpable. 
At the end, he told me that I scared him.
If I was someone else, he would’ve read my Rights... 
but he knew it’ll drive me to the edge if he do that. 
So he didn’t. 
Good. 

I’m too intelligent, he said. 
... and that I’m being too hard on myself. 
He wanted me to promise. 
... but I said no. 
I don’t make promise I can’t keep.

He admitted he was pushing my buttons. 
He said I needed to let it out.
That’s why he kept pushing my buttons. 
But I had a bloody good self control. 
I didn’t explode even though he could see that I was in rage. 

God, where did I go wrong?
How did I manage to go down this road?
... and more so, how will I survive?
The fact that I survived this long in itself is a miracle. 
I just need one push. 
And that’ll be it. 

They were right when they say I was intelligent. 
Damn right I am. 
I know everything I needed. 

I know exactly every “why”, 
every “how”, 
down to the very last details....
I just don’t know the “when” yet. 
Or rather, whether it is going to be an “if”
..... or a “when”.

Shit, even I scared myself. 

Fuck.