The Me Inside....

Recovery is a long road this time round.  Physically as well as mentally.  I need people to back off a little bit.  I need people to stop telling me to rest. I need to feel what I actually feel inside.  I need to not think about others' feeling nor reaction.  Can people please, please stop asking these everyday ?  "when is your next doctors appointment?" "What did the doc say?" "How's the bloodtest result?" "Surgery wound healed up?" "Udah makan madu,susu, buah?" "Jangan cape2" "Jangan nyetir dulu" Stop asking Onya "did mami drive today?" because she will answer "yes" and you'll freak out and make me feel like a guilty kid stealing lollie from the shop. Do you really want me to tell you the honest answers to all your questions?  And please. Please. Please. Please stop saying "jangan sakit lagi, kita kuatir banget" I never ask for all thes...

I typed these few weeks ago and just left it in my draft for my eyes to see. But decided maybe it's a good thing to put it out there in the world wide web. Maybe keeping so many things inside is not always a good thing. I thought I would've felt better by now. But no. So here's my story. Well, a fraction of it.  ---------- Blame it on sleep deprivation, Im bawling reading the NZ Herald about a kid who died of sepsis. Im such an e motional wreck today eeekkk. Sepsis was brutal, and mine escalated to septic shock - the last stage of sepsis. Im lucky to have came out of it alive with no permanent organ damage. Still feel surreal. Still trying hard to cope. Those nights in ICU were hard. Like, REALLY hard. The sound of the machines beeping and those IV noises are still embedded so clearly in my head. The bruises on my arms and legs (yes, legs! As most of the veins in my arms collapsed) from the canulas are still here as a reminder. Though I dont remember most of what...

Secara ya urusan sepsis ini lagi "hits" banget in my life.... and the fact that Im pretty much house-arrest except for hospital appointments.... got my brain think really hard.  What are the odds? I survived sepsis 3x in 8 months! The last one whisked me straight to ICU.  Psychologically, it affected me. Grateful? Yes. But I cant shake the feeling that it's gonna get me oneday. How many times can you dodge a bullet? Feel like it's lurking and ready to pounce anytime.   Geez, I never thought I'd be struggling over this.  The husband.  I think seeing me being critical stirred something in him.  We had lunch together today while waiting for my follow up check up and blood test... the way he looked at me was..... different. Somehow.  I always knew he loved me. But this time is different. It's as if he appreciate every moment. Seeing him being "vulnarable" was a painful sight. I can see he was so scared of losing me.  I kept telling him that Im really ...

Sepsis, for the second time in less than 7 months. This time I felt like it wasn't THAT bad, but when I read the summary it actually quite bad because this time my liver was compromised too.  As I said before, sepsis is no joke.  I dont really know how I get this life-threatening infection multiple times. I hadn't been feeling well since Saturday. I had nasty headache and temperature on Monday, but I was OK on Tuesday. Masi jalan seharian kok ngopi2 cantik and masi maen ke rumah temen (yea, surprise surprise... i DO have social life IF I want to).  I'll be starting my new job (separate post about this) next Monday, 26 June. So I thought I'll just have some check up on Wed. So I  went to Shona on Wednesday, 14 June. Just a couple hours before my scheduled appointment, my body was shivering. Ga lama sih... then I went ketemu Shona.  Pas di check ternyata I had 38.6 fever. Heart rate was 140 bpm. Blood pressure was still ok. Then she s...