I typed these few weeks ago and just left it in my draft for my eyes to see. But decided maybe it's a good thing to put it out there in the world wide web. Maybe keeping so many things inside is not always a good thing. I thought I would've felt better by now. But no. So here's my story. Well, a fraction of it.
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Blame it on sleep deprivation, Im bawling reading the NZ Herald about a kid who died of sepsis. Im such an emotional wreck today eeekkk.
Sepsis was brutal, and mine escalated to septic shock - the last stage of sepsis. Im lucky to have came out of it alive with no permanent organ damage. Still feel surreal. Still trying hard to cope. Those nights in ICU were hard. Like, REALLY hard. The sound of the machines beeping and those IV noises are still embedded so clearly in my head. The bruises on my arms and legs (yes, legs! As most of the veins in my arms collapsed) from the canulas are still here as a reminder. Though I dont remember most of what happened on that fateful Thursday, I remember the pain vividly. Every fiber, every muscle hurt like hell. Rigors were uncontrolable. My body temp shot up to more than 42°c, yet I felt so cold.
Days of recovery are long. I lost my independence, Im not even allowed to drive! Feels like I lost myself. Nothing is normal. For the first time in my life, I hate what I see in the mirror. I lost so much weight. Night times are the worst..... Told Abo and Fee that Im lucky if I get 2 hours sleep each day. Everytime I close my eyes, I go straight back to those moments. Nightmares have been constant, Im too scared to sleep most days. I can still smell the antibiotics in my dreams, I can feel the pain, I remember the warmth of the blood oozing from my PICC line, I can still taste the nasty phospate in my tongue. . Dear Lord, will I ever sleep peacefully again??
Days of recovery are long. I lost my independence, Im not even allowed to drive! Feels like I lost myself. Nothing is normal. For the first time in my life, I hate what I see in the mirror. I lost so much weight. Night times are the worst..... Told Abo and Fee that Im lucky if I get 2 hours sleep each day. Everytime I close my eyes, I go straight back to those moments. Nightmares have been constant, Im too scared to sleep most days. I can still smell the antibiotics in my dreams, I can feel the pain, I remember the warmth of the blood oozing from my PICC line, I can still taste the nasty phospate in my tongue. . Dear Lord, will I ever sleep peacefully again??
That overwhelming anxiety and fear that I'll be sick again.... I dont think anyone will get it. Nobody in my circle will understand the depth and the severity of what Im feeling. It takes someone who has been ill over and over again (or one with chronic illness) to understand this fear.
It comes with any possible sign of sickness or infection. It's that few moments before you go to sleep that you wonder what the next 24 hours will hold. Will there be another strain of pathogenic bacteria in your bloodstream? Will you have septic shock again? Will there be another stay in ICU?
Will you be fighting..... for your life?
Or will it be simply nothing but an over reaction to a slightly upset tummy or sore arm?
The thing is... Im terrified of having no control of my body no matter how hard I try. No matter how carefull I am, it will still do what it wants. Same goes for the nightmares.
Sepsis had tried to take me 3 times in the last 8 months. So why not just get it done and over with sekalian? :(
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