The Me Inside....

This season of my life is about my health. That's why I blogged a lot about it. It's bothering me, and I guess blogging about it is part of my coping mechanism as I dont really talk about it.  So I came down with a cold. Geez, it's been ageess since I last had one. See, before April, my health was pretty much impeccable. I didn't even get cold that often. The last time I got sick was 2013. Tapi after April things are starting to crumble.  Now I having a cold. Stuffy nose, a bit of cough and fever. I feel miserable. Still went to work though.  Si heart rate gimana? Well even in "normal" people, the heart rate will speed up when u have fever. So in my case, of course it went up even higher *baru tau Apple watch bisa di screenshot* 162 is my RESTING heart rate. Kebayang ga kalo gw sekarang maen tenis or jogging? Gw rasa bisa mati beneran kali.  How am I feeling? Mati rasa.  Gw dah haha hehe aja deh pas liat. Pasrah. Ya mo gimana lagi abisan? Ini sampe leher, kupi...

I knew it the moment she called it wasn't a good news. If it was, it's gonna be a text msg.  Sigh. I just wanna get to the bottom of it! It gets frustrating!!!!

Mumpung lagi mood :) Sooo, sekolah Onya baru dapet funding dari government buat bikin bike track. Beginning of this year we received funding for a new second playground. Udah jadi tuh sekarang. Trus A couple of months ago dpt kabar kalo dapet another funding buat bike track. So the bike track is underway! I was looking at it from our deck. One day ga ada apa2, eehh kemaren tiba2 udah banyak aja gitu prosesnya hahaha.  Then me being me, terharu dong.  Im sooo grateful bisa tingga di negara ini. Negara dimana uang tax kita bener2 keliatan buat apa.    Sooo grateful that my daughter bisa jalan kaki pulang pergi kesekolah (kalo pas mak bapaknya ga males). So grateful that tiap ngelongok ke jendela, kita kayak ngeliat lukisan (walo di foto ini lagi summer jd gunungnya gundul kuning hahaha).  Bisa ke local cafe yg walking distance n duduk2 di beanbag kalo pas summer. Bisa ngawasin Onya sekolah pake kekeran. Bisa liat rumput pada jadi es kalo winter Bisa ngerasain deng...

Im on blogging frenzy these few days. Mumpung lagi ada mood nya and I think it's good for the future-me to look back.  Masi ga jau2 dari issue health deh.  Kemaren ahirnya ketemu Shona, dah lost fokus banget deh gw abisan.  I haven't been sleeping udah sekitar 2 minggu. I'm lucky enough if I get 2 hours sleep a day. Awalnya si gara2 I was still in so much pain due to the ulcers ya. Jd kebangun2 mulu. Tapi lama2 pain nya makin bearable, tapi somehow my brain just doesn't switch off. Sebenernya dikata stress mikir juga ngga si. Gw ga mikir yg berat2 gimana. Kadang emang cuma ga ngantuk aja. Ngerti ga si?  Ternyata tidur itu penting. Karena tobput it bluntly, makin lama gw ga tidur - makin begolah gw. It comes to a point sampe kayanya mikir ini hari apa aja tuh lammaaaa.  Ngomong juga loncat2 ga jelas. Yg bikin parahnya, im really really good at masking things. If I dont tell you, u wont notice there's something yg not right with  me. Frankly, Andi aja ga nyad...

Time to see Shona.  This can't keep going And being at work is not helping.  This environment is toxic as fuck at this moment.  We're going through a major restructuring and people lost their jobs. Im safe. But I may take voluntary resignation kalo begini caranya.  People are not talking to each other, and once they do they bark! The worst part?? They put me in the middle because Im "the sweet one". It feels like having to choose between ur mom or dad. Being put in the midst of war and being the only one to convey to msg.  Crap. This is not fun anymore.  This morning my manager was literally crying her eyes out. THREE fucking times! The second one she went straight to HR to put a formal complaint against the other manager.  The last blow was the other manager came and they screamed on top of their lungs all the F words and ujung2-nya mewek kejer!! Guess who stuck in the middle of it? Me!! Freakin' ME!!! One said "please give this to A, you're the only ...

This is my freakin' resting heart rate today.  Lagi ga ngapa2in, beneran lagi dieemmm.  Yang. Be.ner. A.je!! Mana ga bisa tidooo mulu brapa ari ini.  Kenapa lagi sik inniiiihh 😡 Mana nih beta bloker? Kalo ga takut efek samping uda gw tambahin sendiri dosisnya.  No chest pain this time - Im more annoyed than anything. Cape tauuu. Literally physically drainiiiinngg! Dan! Sehari setelah ketemu Darren! Coba kalo kemaren, kan gw bisa sekalian nanyaaa. Prrreeett! Hiihh!

Things have been quite down the hill lately in terms of my health.  One thing led to another. It came to a point where I got hospitalised twice within a week.  I was discharged on Sunday, and by Monday I was back in the ward.  It all started with a simple pain in my right upper quadrant. Went to see Shona who ordered some blood test.  Turned out the ALT on my liver test was concerningly elevated.  She thought it was because of the beta blocker, because that's the only meds I took.  Then she contacted Darren, my cardiologist, who agreed to change the beta blocker from Carvedilol to Metropolol. Carvedilol is RARELY and less likely to caused the elevation of the ALT, but just to be safe Darren changed it.  Now with beta blocker, the first time you had them - or when they increased your dose - normally had a brutal effect. Some will have vivid nightmares, hallucinations, some will have a super low blood pressure or a super low heart rate (which will make ...