The Me Inside....

Once a while when the day ends in less desirable conditions, I go mumbling to myself, mentally listing down all the things I could have done better. In almost all situations I realize that the day didn't turn out so well because somewhere, at some point in time during the day, I made a compromise with myself and allowed the cynical confusions of what the world wants me to be take over myself. Now I'm not idealist, and the knowledge that we don't live in a perfect world helps me make flexible choices. You see I don't really like to lie, or kiss ass, or tell the donkey he's a horse, but alas, sometimes, a woman's got to do what a woman has to do. For instance, can u really tell your in laws that their food tasted like an old shoes? Or can u really tell them that their make up are hideous and made them look like a crazy godzilla? Once a while happens a lot these days. Just yesterday I declared to myself, 'Okay, whatever it is, I shall be very honest today.'...

Hello folks. My name is Sonia Nicole Addison Lee, but apart from occasional 'Nikki' from my mami and Oncom from bibi Abo, everybody calls me Onya. My mami owns this blog, today she's pretending to be me and blogging as me. I drink my mami's milk every day. My mami eats all the eeky n nasty food like mung beans n katuk to keep up with my appettite. I drink directly from the 'tap' every 2 hrs during the day and every 3-4 (some rare times 5) hrs at night. My mami named her 'tap' as Nenna and Nenni. My mami can be so weird sometimes. Mami used to work before I popped out, but now she wanna be home with me and says she doesn't have to bring home the bread anymore because my Daddy brings home bacon nowadays hahaha. You know, everybody says I look like my daddy, what do you think? I love love love playing with my daddy, he sometimes read to me from 'Bible story for tiny Tots' and makes funny faces at me. But daddy always come home late during the we...

I'm back to blogging world. Sonia is 4,5 months and super cute and smart. Lots of stories to be told, but we'll have to get back to it some other times. It's a little after midnight and I'm exhausted. Just check-in to make my comeback :) Goodnight. Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT

After long weeks of hyperactivity, sometimes you forget that you are an emotional, feeling being. The work, and the results required of the work, .. cause you to put those emotions aside for a while, stored away in that invisible cupboard while you toil on and on and on so that you get the job done. And then the job is done, and you take a step back. Suddenly, an overloaded cupboard of emotions burst apart and everything collides in a massive explosion. It becomes a catharsis of sorts, so overwhelming that you cannot help but stumble and fall into momentary devastation. Most of us are prone to scrutinizing the stuff that went wrong, another finger eagerly seeking a scapegoat in the vicinity to play that game called Blame. But sometimes, you sort out all the problematic feelings, and you're left with a clearly agonistic opinion towards yourself. That anger, that frustration, that disappointment at yourself should be embraced and experienced so fully that you can crumble in a cathart...

I think... I think... Sonia is descending, I think, I think.... Im going through a process called "lightening" Uda mulai gimannnaaa gitu rasanya. Uda mulai campur aduuuk... Masih rada2 ga percaya Im pregnant! Ga lama lagi beneran officially jadi Mami. Gimana ya nanti? aih aih... Gw kan geli-an orangnya... minum dari sedotan orang aja gelinya 1/2 mati, gimana ya nanti? Ga lama lagi... musti beneran megang tai, musti bersihin pipis, musti ngelap iler, musti bersihin tai kuping, musti potongin kuku, musti ngorekin upil, musti bersihin belek, dan musti2 yang lain.... Tuhan, mampukan saya please.

Not feeling too great today. Bettteee aja bawaannya. Entah kenapa. Padahal tidur cukup perasaan. Don't like this feeling. Don't like being me today. Don't likeeee

Walking around, feeling the soles of your feet gathering the dust. You feel the remnants of oil, sweat, residue of soap, anything.... Things like that that give your steps a sticky, icky feeling. Time to mop the floors again. In a trance, you get the broom - that old fashioned type, fashioned from dried husks and you move around the house, like a whimsical shadow, focused on the task. Sweep, sweep, sweep. It's got to end some day, sometime. Then you fill up the buckets, shusssshhhh, the water gushes into the navy blue bucket, half a capful of static-free, insect repelling liquid, to 8 litres of clean water You don't really measure to perfection, and then slusssh, the mop goes in… you gave up on the plastic mop catcher a while back - it doesn't give you properly squeezed out equipment, a nd then you're off. Room to room, back and forth, sliding across the place The job is done, It's about 3:20 pm now. Time to get off. Trancelike - that's how sometimes my life fe...

Belly is getting bigger. Sometimes I really wobble like a penguin on stilts, especially in the morning when I just woke up. Most of the time you'd hear me say "duuh, aduu duuuhhhh.. pantat kiri gua sakit!" Yes, strangely, only my left butt hurts! I realize that Sonia loves to snuggle on the right side of my belly. I've got a right-sider stuck inside my belly half the time :) I'll be exactly 36 weeks tomorrow. 9 months!! Which means, in 'what-to-expect' pregnancy guides and sites, they say that I'll be seeing Sonia in 2-4 more weeks! How time flies!! Aaahh.... Im excited. The house is almost done. Lear to be grateful regardless of the stupid tukangs. Indeed it is a very cozy, adem house. A place I will call 'home' soon. Now... off to the loo to poo :) The husband is coming and get me in 15 minutes for our belated dinner date.

I want to live life .... knowing that I've made enough mistakes to stay sane. I want love to challenge my heart, and I want life to question my faith, and know that I've won. I want to know that some dreams live forever. I want to jump like I never fall. I want to fly like I never. ever. have to land. I could never be perfect, Im just me. And I am just as flawed as you are. There's only so much you can give without giving yourself away. And right now, it is me who's falling apart. But you can't see it.

Wise person once said that if you feel scared, writing down your fears will turn them into conceptual words, and then when you look at them straight in the eye, they'll slowly fade away as figments of your imagination, ... allowing you to emerge renewed, strong and courageous. Im almost 33 weeks pregnant. My estimated delivery date is 4-5 weeks away and pardon me, but I am scared stiff! Therefore, Im going to do what that wise person said, ... and put down a list of things that I'm fearful of: • That I cant take the pain and I'll pass out. • That baby's head is too big for the birth canal and I have to go into a C-section. • That the sight of the epidural needle, should I have to take one, will make me pass out • That Im halfway from somewhere when birth contractions hit me • That Im at the malls when my water breaks and create shameful drama! • That Im in the office when my water breaks • That I go beyond 40 weeks • That baby doesn't want to drink my milk • That I ...

Just because our thoughts are not align, does NOT always mean Im wrong and you're always right. Tired of self-righteous people who think their way is the only right way. Maybe Im wrong, but there's also a chance that Im right. And guess what? You may be wrong too. Drop the whole bebong-nanny issue lah. Everybody tells me different things. You guys won't even let me speak for myself. Just shove everything down my head. Not to mention about me quitting work. Ok, as much as I complained A LOT about how annoying my boss is... It is still damn difficult for me to quit my job! It's easy to give up something u dont like, or something worthless for you. It's like a NON smoker gives up smoking!! Easy to leave ur job when they pay u only 2 or 3 million. Easy to leave when they dont give u great medical benefits, great perks and lots of holidays! Tapi that is sooo not my case! Human, you are NOT in my shoes! U dont know what Im going through. So easy for people to say "a...

While most people finds out the gender of their baby as early as 12 weeks, Andi and I had to wait until almost 30 weeks. Last Saturday, May 1 2010, Baby S. finally revealed the gender. We are having a GIRL! We haven't really 100% firmed with the name. .. but so far, we've been calling her Sonia :) (the father insists!) Was kinda shocked, coz somehow I always felt that I'd be having a boy. Honestly, it took me some times to embrace the fact. We are so NOT rejecting Baby S. We just need to re-adjust our mindset :) Now Im really looking forward to see my little girl. Yes, ofcourse, there are worries as a first time parent. How am I gonna bathe her as a newborn? How am I gonna deal with baby blues (if any?) How am I gonna keep her warm at night? (Im such a pinguin! I used 2, 16 degree ACs at the same time) And now that I know she's a girl, How am I gonna raise her? How am I gonna dress her? How am I gonna tell her about menstruation? How am I gonna protect her? How am I gon...

Postingan kali ini buat Andi. Feel so blessed beyond words punya suami kaya beliau. Walo banyak rese n nyebelinnya juga. He works really hard. I mean REALLY hard. I know I've complained about him being too busy, but lately he changed. Yes, dia masih sibuk banget di kantor. Yes, dia masih suka 'nyetrap' gw di mobil suru tunggu. Tapi I know that family is his top priority. The house is almost done. Andi spent hours last Sat and Sun buat bebersih rumah. Gw ga boleh ikut. "masih debuan banget" - gitu katanya. He knows Im allergic to dust and frankly, what can a pregnant woman possibly do? Ga mungkin juga kan gw ngangkat2 furniture. Naek tangga aja suka engap. Dapet laporan dari Otoy, Andi ngangkat2 barang ampe mukanya merah, ampe kringetan ngeces2... Gw tau dia pasti cape banget. Tapi begitu pulang he brought nothing but his big, warm smile. "Udah. Nanti gw sekali lagi kesana, finalize bersih2 - then you can come. Tuh gw beliin kelapa, mau diminum sekarang ga?...

Cape de ngadepin orang2 kepo ga puguh. Kenapa sih?? Ga ada urusan sama elu kali gw mo ngapaiiin. Die beli gonta ganti mobil berkali2, gw ga peduliii. Die ngurus anak kayak pegimana, gw ga peduliii. Die mo dapet bonus puluhan juga, gw ga peduliii. Die ga jadi pindah kerja, gw ga peduliii. Dear God, I really, really, REALLY need a bigger heart!!!! Ini mulut udah gateel pengen maki2 dia! Udah gatel pengen ikutan ngejelekin dia! Udah gatel pengen kasih tau SL tentang 'borok' dia! Tapi tidaak!!! Gue ga mau kaya dia! GA MAU!!! Hati, pikiran, and kapasitas gw KAGA sekecil dan sesempit dia!!!! Gue kaga sirik! ... simply because Im secure with my life. Im secure with what I have now. Im happy that we have our own house, walo jauhnya sebujeng2! Im loving my little, humble car walo ga sekeren mobil dia. Im glad I can give kualitas yg terbaik (yg gw sanggup) buat anak gue! Terseraaah dia mau ngabisin ratusan juta buat mobil. I chose buat spend a little more money for the buggy for my son. ...

After literally months of thinking, asking, considering, and almost giving up with Quinny Buzz.... Out of nowhere this beauty just popped up. So, baby S. got his buggy already :) Got it last Sunday from The Children's Store. (secara harganya cuma beda 117 ribu ama mangdu) Aah... leggaa.... Aku sukkaa. Andi sukaaa. Baby S. juga suka dong yaaaa :) Btw, baby S. been kicking a lot. Especially last saturday. Biasanya jam 9.30 udah diem, ga gerak2 lagi. Dah bobo kalo kata bapake. Tapi sabtu kemaren Andi nonton bola. Trust me... Baby S. stayed awake (and kicking and punching HARD) sampe almost midnight. Sampe rada diomelin, disuruh bobo... belon boleeeh nemenin Andi nonton bola sampe malem gituuu. Tar kalo uda gede baru boleee...

One experience exclusive to pregnant women is the feeling and sight of involuntary movements across the surface of my belly. People've been telling me that later I'll see the distinct outline of an elbow jutting out from the side, and then probably discuss with Andi whether it was an elbow, or a knee... or maybe head? A friend from Malaysia told me that when she got pregnant with her firstborn, after spending about 15 minutes napping on her right, she woke up with a lopsided belly, where the right side of her waist was bigger than the left. Her baby probably slid to the right, and stayed there for a bit even after she woke up. She said, 'why are you there?' and then she felt some shuffling INSIDE of her — voila! A perfectly symmetrical belly all over again. Being pregnant is strange. .... but Im loving it a whole lot! :) And no, I still haven't gotten over that bursting belly button fear. Udah makin ceper nih udelkuuh! hiks! Anyway, stra...

Since you've been gone, I dont like coming home. Feel so lost. I dont even know what to do with my socks. The image of you waiting for me to take shower, then when I walked to my room... kamu cuma ngeliatin aja dengan mata gedemu. Sampe aku buka pintu kamar, balik badan mau tutup pintu.. You didn't move. You waited in front of the bathroom. Tapi matanya ngeliatin mulu. Then when I signaled you with my hand, or pas aku bilang "kakah, sini!" ... baru deh kamu buru2 bangun, ngambil kos kaki yg udah ga diemut, trus jalan cukucuk kucuk ke ikut ke kamar. Trus minta naek ke ranjang..... Ahh, you were never a jumper dari kecil dulu. Kamu bahkan ga pernah bisa turun tangga sendiri. Terlalu manja!! Ga kaya piko yg aujubilee aktifnya waktu muda. Uuhh... kakaah... Aku relaaa banget kok kamu pergi. Sungguh. Aku cuma kangen banget. Kehilangan... apalagi abu kamu belum sampe lagi dirumah. Im lost without youuuu!!! Kemaren aku, papi ama mami talked about you. You know, you are loved....

Dear Sayang.... Gapapa kok, sungguh gapapa. Cucu bilang kamu udah 90 taun kalo kamu manusia. The most important thing, I know that you know that we - I - love you so much. And I also know that you've lived a very good life. You dont have to fight if you dont want to. You can go ko... -------- Wrote that yesterday. She's gone now. Kakah... I just wanna say thank you. ... for 14 years you've brought joy. You've coloured my day. Papi bilang kemaren siang Piko nyamperin kamu ya neng? kata papi tiba2 buntut kamu kepot2 girang. Tapi kamu disuruh 'jalan' belum mau. Kamu nungguin aku pulang kantor ya sayang? Makasih banget ya... Ga usah takutan lagi, aku rasa di surgamu ga ada geledek. Kalopun ada, aku yakin kamu uda ga takut lagi. All the fears and pains are gone now. Kan ada Piko yg nemenin kamu.... aku yakin ada Tuhan Yesus juga. Semaleman aku ngimpiin kamu. Kamu balik lagi - tapi at the end, kamu pergi - masuk ke pintu surga. Kamu tenang banget perginya. Yes dear......

Butuh mengeluh... Perasaan ngeluh mulu deh, ga cukup pelampiasan di Twitter. But today Im exhausted! drained! Super tired.... Not so much on the physical, tapi lebih ke mental. Kaya orang abis nahan napas berjam2, baru berasa cape sekarang. Ini otak diperes gila2aan.. berasanya keriiing, kaya diambil sari2 jusnya. Pressure is on! Uda lama ga berasa kaya gini. And the dementor kept pushing us. Itu yg namanya imel bisa literally tiap menit masuk. Berenti bentar, terus der der der deerrr!! Ditembakin imel lagi! Minta ini ono, bikin ini ono, hadooohh!!! Satu kata yg tepat: stress! Mana ada time difference kan ama Washington, kerja juga susah toooh... Apa2 kudu ada approval dr dewa di Washington.... Landing page buat Facebook dah jadi, tapi banner iklan belon jadi!!! Gimana mau di upload beggooooo!!! Haiyooohh! Gedebak gedebuklah kita.. Sementara tu dementor ongkang2 kaki, lunch di Hyatt ampe jem 3!!! Tapi tetep dooong... Biar dia menikmati sapi kobe, itu imel teteep dar der door!! *another...

Dear Baby, You are about to hit 15 weeks old in the womb now. How time flies... Thank you for wiggling your tiny feet and hands. Daddy and mami were thrilled when you did that :) Good show baby :) One day you will find out about blogging, and eventually you will learn about Mami's blog here. Mami has been blogging for a long time (entering year 6 and counting). There are lot of memories, both good and bad, which Mami have recorded in this blog, and you will learn about Mami's evolution through the years into the person who gave birth to you. Long time ago, before Daddy and Mami got married, Mami had this thought that blogging is stupid. But now Mami thinks that everything in here is precious, and will give you and your siblings (when/if they come along) a chance to know the people that we were (Daddy and Mami) before you came into this world. Mami's greatest fear is that Mami will not be a very adequate mother to you, and will fail in her role as a mother. Mami doesn't ...

Di kantor ada satu orang, dia nih tipe2 orang yg "jago" kalo debat. Mo ngomong apa kek, pasti dia bisa ngebalikin kata2nya. Kalah deh gw kalo debat ama dia mah. Jujurnya, males juga debat.... wong di'bantai' terus huehueh... Jadi most of the time gw dengerin aja, drpada kesel sendiri nantinya.. Lagian menurut gw, tiap orang boleh berpendapat. ... toh gw ga harus selalu setuju. Nah, topik kali ini tuh tentang yang 'ga gw setuju'. Menurut dia, me - applying PR itu dianggap judi and ga seharusnya dilakukan. Now, dia ini juga sama ama gw. She HATES indo.. bahkan dia jauh lebih benci dibanding gw. Dia tuh yg tiap hari bangun uda kaya org stress, uda sampe ga semangat idup, Stress levelnya tuh jauuuh lebih tinggi dari gw. Tapi tadi dia bilang, ngapain apply PR, buang uang puluhan juta buat something yg belon tentu dapet. Hmmm? .. bukannya ini semua worth trying for? worth fighting for? At least buat tipe orang kaya kita yg begitu ga sabar buat ninggalin indo. Kalo e...

Siap2 ke bandung next monday. Excited, excited.. pengen, pengen, pengen...

Iya, kacaau... MUALES BUANGET!!! Parah, parah, parraahhh!!! Beneran deh malesnya tuh uda sampe ke urat nadi! Terus terus... bulan ini lagi banyak banget VIP visit di kantor. Ga nanggung2... 17 orang!! Hari ini ada satu aja uda grebak grubuk. Kudu nyiapin press-kit, tapi biography-nya belon siap. begggoooo.. Tambah males aja de! Trus trus si TP balik besok... tambah males aja! Pasti laganya super tengil!!! Benci, benci, benci! Males, males, males! Keki, keki, keki! MALES, MALES, MALEEESSSSS!!!!