The Me Inside....

Mumpung lagi mood :) Sooo, sekolah Onya baru dapet funding dari government buat bikin bike track. Beginning of this year we received funding for a new second playground. Udah jadi tuh sekarang. Trus A couple of months ago dpt kabar kalo dapet another funding buat bike track. So the bike track is underway! I was looking at it from our deck. One day ga ada apa2, eehh kemaren tiba2 udah banyak aja gitu prosesnya hahaha.  Then me being me, terharu dong.  Im sooo grateful bisa tingga di negara ini. Negara dimana uang tax kita bener2 keliatan buat apa.    Sooo grateful that my daughter bisa jalan kaki pulang pergi kesekolah (kalo pas mak bapaknya ga males). So grateful that tiap ngelongok ke jendela, kita kayak ngeliat lukisan (walo di foto ini lagi summer jd gunungnya gundul kuning hahaha).  Bisa ke local cafe yg walking distance n duduk2 di beanbag kalo pas summer. Bisa ngawasin Onya sekolah pake kekeran. Bisa liat rumput pada jadi es kalo winter Bisa ngerasain deng...

Jem 3:15 subuh... Ga bisa tiduuur. Tadi udah tidur, tapi 1130an kebangun gegara denger Andi ngorok *sigh* tus ga bisa tidur sampe skrg. Blogwalking udah, bales imel udah, fb-an udah... Ngapain lg? Ya uda de, nerusin blog yg udah ada di draft berbulan2. Tonight's topic: being grateful and dream ahead *jieeeehh* Besukur punya Andi.  Kalo dipikir2, love-life gw itu tergolong lempeng and very straight forward. Gw sampe pray kalo Onya nanti love lofe nya kaya gw aja. Simple. Ga neko2. Bisa dibilang gw ga lernah ngerasain yg namanya patah hati. Boring? Ngga juga. Im grateful God spared me from having to experience heart-ache. Cukup gw liat si Abo aja.  Yaa monyet2-an adalah, ga pernah sampe nangis bombay. Pacaran pertama waktu umur 16 taon sama Dvt. Cuma jadian begitu doang, gandengan juga cuma sekali.  Trus jadian lagi sama M gegara diojok2 si Abo, pas ditembak dipaksa terima.  Ya elaah, malesin banget ga sih hahaha. Saking sebelnya ama ...

Barusan baca2 blog gw di year 2006. Trus baca juga yg di livejournal taun 2005... Banyak ya aer mata yg tumpah disitu ttg NZ. Bener2 grateful for the journey. Now that it's almost time. Time for me to go. Anehnya, as much as I want it, tetep aja ada rasa takut ya. Ada juga rasa "ogah"-nya ninggalin jakarta yg udah bikin gw 'nyaman'. Tapi I know, Jakarta is not my home. It never was, and it will never be. Denger cerita temen kemaren dari kota ke harapan indah 5 jam kena macet. No, no. I cannot live like that anymore. ... and thank God, He opens a way out for us. Andi wants us to join him in January. But the tricky part, gw pingin banget nungguin Given lahir. Gw pingin bisa sama dia, At least for the first week of his life on earth. Pingin bisa gendong, pingin bisa upuk2. Pingin onya liat Given pas hari pertama dia lahir. Kadang masi hard to believe that I'm coming back to NZ. For good :) God is faithfull to His words, really. Never cease to amaze me. Unt...

Lots have been going on since I last blogged. Went to NZ on August 10 to "test the water". Andi landed several interviews in Auckland, and few more in Wellington. To our surprise, by the time we landed back home, he got a confirmed job offer from NZPost Wellington. Came as a surprise, krn kita ga nyangka bakal dapet secepet itu. God is good. He is gracious and we're so grateful that His favour is upon us. Getting a job that fast, with that amount of salary really is mindblowing. Karena most people katanya bahkan susah dapet interview, ini not only we got interviews tp within a week dapet kerja. It's truly God's hands. Bener deh, one day kalo Onya udah gede.. She can read this blog. If she scrolls further down, she'll find out about the story of God's faithfulness to us as family. We've come a looong way. For those yg baca blog gua, dr jaman gw mewek2 krn "terpaksa" balik indo, jaman gw jerit2 declared kalo NZ is my promised land, jaman gw yak...

2 days in a row gw ngimpi ada di Auckland! Nunggu bus 223 jurusan New Lynn, nyegat di halte symond street! Hiiihhhh! Gemmmeeessss...... Tuhaaaan, kita bisa dapet ga ya PR-nya? Duuuh. Ga sabar pingin cepetan deeeeee.

Hatiku, terjaga aman... dalam kelembutanMu, Bapa. Hari ini been feeling numb the whole day. Things aren't really that great. ... but through the eyes of faith, I wanna learn to see. At least life has been gentler to me then it is to Sharon. Adrian is still unconscious till today. Must have been really tough on the family. On the other hand, mom... please, please get well soon. I've never, ever- say this verbally nor even jot it down... My biggest fear since I was a child is this : Gw takut pimi pass away. These few years, I've been praying. Doa gw gini, Tuhan, tolong kasih kendi kesempetan. Kesempetan buat ngebahagia'in papi mami financially. Really pray for good health, umur panjang buat pimi. Juga tolong pelihara rasa cinta diantara mereka. Please give me that chance, buat bawa pimi jalan2 ke Cina, buat pay off whatever needs to be paid, buat bikin mereka bangga. Pengen beliin mereka apartement... Most of all, pengen bisa bawa mereka idup...

Dear God, It's me, signing in. I watched the show for almost 1 hour. And it hurts. Seeing that marvelous city pierced my heart. The pain is so real... I can still feel it now. I should've been there. That is my promised land. My Canaan. They ran around Queen Street and Viaduct Basin. I saw the new train station. They were building it when I left. And and... Sky Tower.. gosh! I remember every step, I remember the bus stop! And the sea.... geez! I can smell it. Miles away from home, I can still smell the sea. They were at the verry port. They went to Devenport. I was in Devenport with Adi last time. I had ice cream. God, I didn't know it was gonna be this painful. I really didn't. I left something undone there. I just have to go back. I just have to. Im not finished yet. You are not finished, God. I know You're not. I know. Time doesn't heal. No, it never does.... not for me. Time is like..... bandaids. It's not there t...

Ini Hatiku.... Hi Can, I understand if you change your mind on me being witness, but I would love to attend ur wedding. You are important to me, ........ but told you before I will one day disappoint u as I am human. just call GS n she said its ok. We both can go. I know I disappointed u today by sms. ......... Much wave here but all is solve now, forgive me? Yes, I was disappointed.. but I forgive her. Dear God, You've given me so much, Lord. So much. And Im thanking You for it. ... but please, make it work. I have NEVER looked up to someone the way I do to her. It's not idolatry, it's just that... she's the one that touched my life. She's the one that taught me about Your love. She may have hundreds of students come and go in her life. She may have hundreds of students that touched her life. I may not be significant to her... But I only have one spiritual mom, one comrade, ... one person that trully show me that it is possible t...

The Only Place Left To Go. Sleeping to the sound of the rain was never my idea of a perfect night. But if it'd made me feel better, then how could I possibly refuse the one thing that would save me from losing my sanity? I found comfort in ignorance. Selfish, but reasonably easy. I never thought that by staying away from lines and lines of unwritten prose, I would end up with a novel which chapters have yet to be put in order. And when it comes out, it sounds no better than a three-year-old trying to rewrite Shakespeare. Tears welled up my eyes, and fell upon the edge of the very cliff that once held a smile, and me a whole. No one stopped me. And I could no longer forsake this longing for a heart to beat right next to mine. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life mending what's broken. God, I miss you. Where did all the passion go? What have gone so wrong that I find it so difficult to see You?

TEXT FROM SL: Let one thing starts from another. God knows where we are and our limitation. He knows our heart and desire and would help us one by one. It’s like making a house. It starts with one brick to another. Believe me, He will not stop till He finish ya. Just one step then another. Focus on the little step, not to worry. That reminds me of this scene: Apartemen Menara Gading, 29 September 2005. Everybody was out, down to Immanuel bookstore. There was just me, and her. She simply listened and made no judgement. No demoralizing remarks whatsoever. All she gave me was a smile - the most comforting one I've seen in a long time. Her kind words had a huge effect on me. I wasn't sure what to say. I was way too touched for words. I honestly wanted to just hug her and started sobbing but I was worried that I’d put a huge snort-mark on her shirt. *laughs* So I sighed and nodded my head. She said, "You know, I think you have what it takes to achieve wha...

BOOK-A-BOOO It's one of those stage (again!!) Im bored! Work has been soooo draggy nowadays. Can't wait till I hand in my resignation letter. I need a break... hiks! Can someone get me outta here, puh-leezze I don't wanna have ANYTHING to do with expatriates anymore. I don't wanna hear ANY Hindi or Tamil language anymore. I don't wanna see ANY Indian anymore.... well, except for Renata, of coz. I miss my gentle giant Ren. Talking about Ren... Im craving for Subway Sandwich ... A footlong Subway Melt with NO cheese please. ... with double-extra bacon, ... on parmesan oregano bread. ... (can you heated it upto 2 minutes so that the bread shrink, please) ... Just a wee bits of onion ... VERY VERY little letuce (just so that I can have a light green colour on it) ... heaps of capsicums ... one bit of gherkins on each side ... cucumbers ... a line of mayo ... a line of sweet-chilli ... HEAPS of honey-mustard ... and quite a bit of salt an...

A LITTLE..... INSIGHT I dream. I dream most of the time. And you would've thought that I'd finally get used to telling the difference between what's real... and what isn't. I have to be honest with you : I never cease to amaze myself. I want more. How do you walk away from your own, great, expectations? What kind, persuasive words would you string together? How can you not follow your heart? How can you simply ignore? That painful......... longing. I have the tendency to shy away from the mirror every once in a while. To remind myself that the other side of me has not been lost. To surface, for a breath of air. But everytime I do, Im overwhelmed by a vision of what's about to happen next. A feeling. A premonition. A mere glance, an abstract painting of the future. Deja Vu is when I've relived that moment and I can tell you exactly what sort of colours have been used. And I must say..... it's not alway a very pretty sight. Remorse isn't...

Sometimes you think you've wished upon all the stars God laid upon the velvet sky. Sometimes you think you've had too many wishes... you wonder if making another one would make any difference. You don't know why you feel so alone. It's like you're lonely... yet you long for nothing. It's like you're lonely... yet you long for no one. I wonder if dreaming will, one day, throw me upon a rag of thorns. I can't seem to find another way out. Afterall, I don't see waking up as an option. I don't think I'll be able to handle the situation. I don't think growing up was ever part of the plan. In dreams, that is. From here, the line is fuzzy. I don't wish to go back. I don't need another secret to keep yet I don't want anyone to find out. I don't want to let it out and let it hurt me. Bruises fade but the pain lingers. And it lingers until you find a more painful wound to bear. Tuhan, selama ini aku berjuang. ....

A FRIEND CALLED STEPHEN LU . Met him about 3 years ago during Student Life Group with Justin Born in Taiwan, raised in Thailand before becoming a New Zealand citizen. A bloke with a very very smart brain. A straight A+ student, .....stubborn, and always correcting people's grammar. Apart from all his irritating behaviour, he always there whenever I needed him. I remember the time when I had a fight with Jo and I didn't wanna come home before she sleep. So I called him up, he came all the way from town and accompany me. We hung out till late night... just drove around New Lynn and talk on the playground, chasing cats.. hehhehe... Stephen is in Singapore now, furthering his Doctoral study or something. I asked his favour to send our application for Amazing Race Asia, and without doubt or hesitation he's willing to help us out. He called Singapore's postal service and ask around, he went to check it out... ... He goes the distance. Simple thing... bu...

HAS IT BEEN SO LONG? I guess it has. Funny thing about time. I easily lose track. Funny thing about life. Things which seemed important can fade like the memory of a nightmare. Things which seemed secure can crumble like the Roman Empire. What was once thought to be permanent is now hardly memorable. Thing about a foreign country. It can become home. Things you thought you knew pretty well, like your own language, can become pretty foreign. I always thought I spoke English well *tanpa ada maksud nyombong* . Now I know there are so many ways to speak it that I will spend the rest of my life learning it. Didn't it seem like it would take forever to graduate from high school (or Junior highschool I must say? hehehe) ? To study hard-out during exams? To learn how to drive? Now college is a distant memory. I can't believe all the things I should know but have forgotten. To have acne, going to proms and finally graduate.. whoaa.. that's something I never ...