The Me Inside....

He makes me feel less important today. Not just today, but he's made me feel shitty for the past few days. Trust is a very profound word lately. On a totally different subject, I have to make it in this life time. I have to. No matter what, I simply have to. There really is no other way. As one of the politician said "Winning isn't everything... It's the only thing" On another totally different subject, I REALLY NEED MY SPACE!!!! Stop asking me to kiss their ass! Coz I won't do it. The more you pushed me to, the more I'll shut my self. I can be a bitch.. and I will, if you keep pushing. You wouldn't wanna see that side of me. Try me. Watch me!

I don't remember the last time it rained so much during this season. The patter of rain drops become a monotone that fades into the background so that after a while, I can never tell if it's raining, the echoes of it, or more to come. It's raining now. Back in Auckland I had a smoke, leaning out of the window so it doesn't drift back into the room. I felt the cool air, heard the rain against the tiles, and saw the rain like fire in the path of the street lamp. I liked it. There was a stillness in the air despite the rain. Maybe the rain drops mute the sounds, or maybe they are all there is. Just me, a lit cigarette, and countless droplets of yellow and amber, ... falling, falling, falling, always falling. Falling onto the road outside the house, puddling into little reflections. I love looking out at the rain. Looking at the slick road, .... looking at the reflected lights and just feeling somehow, quiet. As though the rain and the atmosphere had seeped itself into me....

It's official. ... the itch came back. And the top ten reasons would be : One, I need my space. Two, I need my space. Three, I need my space. Four, I need my space. Six, I need my space. Seven, I need my space. Eight, I need my space. Nine, I need my space. Ten, I need my space ... please... I was on the verge of breaking down this afternoon. Can't you just let me run my own life? I dont have to justify myself in watsoever way. Tears keep welling up in the darkness behind my eyelids, stinging pools with warm edges that cut and scald the sides of my eyes. So here I am now, trying to collect myself enough... but sitting hunched over my laptop is probably the most un-ergonomic position to type in. It hurts my leg. I don't know what's wrong, I don't know why it's like that. I ... I don't understand why there is so much trapped inside me, things that I don't seem to know about, never acknowledged, ..... or have subconsciously pushed down. Why am I like that? ...

Narator Metro TV said something like : .... salah satu penyebab utama banjir adalah jumlah sampah yg bertumpuk di berbagai pintu air.... Terus reporternya wawancara warga yg kebanjiran : Reporter : Ibu kalau buang sampah kemana? Warga : Ya ke kali lah, Pak. Reporter : Loh kok ke kali, Bu? Warga : Ya abis mo kemana lagi? * dgn nada judes!!* Reporter : Tapi kan itu bikin banjir, Bu.. Warga : Lha siapa suruh pemerintah bikin tempat sampahnya jauh banget, masa kita disuruh jalan segitu jauh cuma buat buang sampah??? Geez!! Can u believe that comment ?!?!?!! ORANG UDAH PADA GILA YAAA?!?!?!?!!!!!!! Yg bener aja luuh!!! Get real peopleee!! Friggin' idiots! I pitty the government kalo begini caranya mah. Biar pemerintah bikin kanal timur, barat, utara, selatan bla bla bla kalo mental orang2nya kayak gitu mah tetep aja bakal banjir! Bingung deh ama orang2 kayak gitu *yg btw, jumlahnya JUTAAN di indo*. Enak banget ngomongnya "ya ke kali lah, emang kemana lag...

Jakarta cries a huge river. Water level rises as high as 3 metres, there's been black out for more than 26 hours. Phone line's been cut off in some areas. "Banjir lima tahunan..", katanya. People start pointing finger to the government, they insisted that Sutioso is mostly responsible for this disaster. Sutioso emang bajingan, tapi coba juga dong jangan buang sampah sembarangan. Itu sampah di kali ciliwung ada kali 5 ton! Coba kalo lagi ga banjir ya tau diri juga toh yoo. Couldn't sleep last night, was kinda anxious coz the rain started pouring heavily. Thank God our area is on the higher ground with good water circulation. ... but still, im so darn anxious last night. It's a shame that the flood came right on Andi's 26th birthday. He hadn't been able to come home coz even CBD is flooded. He had to stay over at his parents'. So there goes his first birthday as my husband. Didn't see him, I can only wished him happy birhtday over the phone. We...

Yep yep, been raining all night. Sekarang jem 9.33 am, feels like 6 am. A little update, last night sempet talked abt 'expectation' with SL. Sama deh kasusnya..... Im one with high expectation, one with high standard. Plus ditambah lagi gw ini perfectionist in some ways. So jadi sering kecewa. Other ppl's best *or so they claimed*... isn't good enough for me. I begin to put my thinking cap on again. As I thought of this journey called life, I discovered something new (again). I used to trust others easily, but not anymore. Through recent happenings in my life, I've learned that we can't have trust without integrity, .... that crisis in trust really means crisis in truth. And that the people you think you can really trust, are those that would most probably let you down. Love all, trust a few. The only one you can always trust is your heart. Trust yourself, but trust your heart more, ... coz the mind lies, but the heart never will. If we can’t see the people who...

Hari Minggu malem, tiba2 SL sms gw. Dia bilang ".... Migraine now, yet very peaceful. Thinking of u tonite. Love you" I know she loves me, but she never really told me. For nearly 9 years I've known her, she only told me twice. Once when I was in NZ, she called me, we talked, I poured my heart out, and she said "I love u very much, you will be alright, God will see u through" and once last Sunday. The next day I asked how she was. She texted me back and say "please pray 4 me, pain very intense". Terus sorenya dia bilang dia checked in for test di Sunway hospital. CT Scan-nya gapapa, tapi ada infection somewhere. Trus dia cuma bilang dia dikasih strong pain killer and that she's very sleepy. Trus belon ada kabar lagi. Kayaknya dia masi di RS. Gw mo telpon dia abis ini... ko gw jadi deg2an ya? If anything, anything at all happen to her... or kalo hasil testnya ternyata (amit2 tok tok tok!!! CHOY!!) ada apa2nya, ... I'll be on the next flight ou...