The Me Inside....

Recovery is a long road this time round.  Physically as well as mentally.  I need people to back off a little bit.  I need people to stop telling me to rest. I need to feel what I actually feel inside.  I need to not think about others' feeling nor reaction.  Can people please, please stop asking these everyday ?  "when is your next doctors appointment?" "What did the doc say?" "How's the bloodtest result?" "Surgery wound healed up?" "Udah makan madu,susu, buah?" "Jangan cape2" "Jangan nyetir dulu" Stop asking Onya "did mami drive today?" because she will answer "yes" and you'll freak out and make me feel like a guilty kid stealing lollie from the shop. Do you really want me to tell you the honest answers to all your questions?  And please. Please. Please. Please stop saying "jangan sakit lagi, kita kuatir banget" I never ask for all thes...

I honestly dont know whether I can ever do this. And I honestly dont know why I wanna do it. I just wanna. I wanna........ shave my hair bald.  Yep. But I dont think I'll ever have enough courage to do it though.  Must be liberating, somehow.  I've experienced with lots of short haircuts... and my motto was (still is) "hair grows". So I really dont understand what's stopping me to shave it bald.  Just a random thought.  I've friends from my "youth", who don't change at all. Their routines are still the same, still going to the same church, still "serving", still wearing the same style of clothing. While there is absolutely NOTHING is wrong with that... but it just made me think... are they really content? Donthey feel fulfilled? Dont they get bored? Day in, day out.... same shit different day.... for years? It's totally okay if they trully enjoy it, no judgement passed.... but are they really enjoying their life? Can they really say...

Setelah maraknya berita tentang kecelakaan udara, gw officially nyoret "hot air balloon ride" dari bucket list gw. Apalagi belum lama ada berita beberapa org meninggal karena hot air balloon-nya kebakar di udara. May they rest in peace.... Kayanya makin tua nyali makin ciut deh.  Dulu gw ini tergolong yg nekad. Sukanya yg ektrim2 macam parasailing, bungy jumping, n naek2 rides yang serem2 jungkir balik tebulak balik.  Sekarang? Ah, ogah deh.  As I said sooo many times to sooo many people lately... "Gue ga takut mati. Gw takut prosesnya!"   Pemikiran ini pertama kali terbesit *dooh bahasanya* di benak gw itu di kala gw trapped alone in a pitch-black lift di menara telkomsel! Waktu itu gw drop Andi di lobby karena dia kudu ngapain gitu sama kartu hallo-nya. Trus gw parkir di basement.  Nah dr basement mau naek itu kan pake lift.  Trus gw sendirian gitu, n pas naek begitu udah dikit lagi sampe lantai yg gw tuju, tau2 tu lift brenti doong. And mati lampu segela...

Here I am. Turning and tossing. Turning and tossing. Came across a blog of some friend from FGT time. I wonder how can one stays so fervent after almost 20 years. Do they not see that the world has change? Do they not have anyone hurt them? Do they not get that churches are full of hypocrites? Or do they just simply taking in whatever they're told to? As for me... I've changed. I still have my faith in Jesus Christ. That will never change. But I have lost almost every faith on church goers. I've seen too many twisted people in church. People who goes to church every single week, look down on people who don't... And yet, still datengin ahli fengshui biar "hoki". People who lift their hands up high in church... And yet, committed adultery, beat the shit out of their spouse. People who serve so deligently in church... And yet, sleep around and actually brag and proud about it. People who memorized scriptures, preached it.... And yet, can't even treat their ma...

Gua masih belon bisa tidur! Mikir... I'm not saying gua bersumpah ga akan mau nambah anak ya. I'm just saying, sekarang ini as per this very second, I'm not ready to have another child. Banyak org yg bilang gini: "Punya anak jgn satu, kasian dia sendiri kesepian" or semacem itu. Banyak juga yg bilang: "Kalo punya sibling kan bisa tuker pikiran" gw senyum2 aja. Everybody berhak punya pendapat. Tapi gw pernah bilang gini ke Andi, I've seen people with siblings yg ga ngomong for years. I've seen people with siblings yg cannot even share their feelings towards each other. And I told Andi... More than I want a sibling for Onya, I want Onya to have an "Abo". That has been one of prayer items gua buat Onya ... is that God will give her an "Abo" in life. Someone who'll laugh and cry for & with her. ..... who'll do stupid and crazy things with. ..... whom she can be secure with. ..... who'll share tons of idiot...

Those close to me pasti tau lah. I've had my whiny days. I've had my "onya main sama otoy dulu, mami need to inhale exhale a super deep breath!" I've had my kronos and kairos times. Tonight is my Kairos. You see, I was never a type yg "suka anak kecil" In fact, sampe skrg pun I'm not. I only love mine :) Beneran deh, I'm anything BUT someone who adores kids. I was the one who said "I hate kids" :) When Onya came into our lives, everything change. I became a mom who gets parenting tips from Google, Dr. Sears and Babycentre.com. A mom who breaks all Grand Ma's rules and silly myths. A mom who shabbily dress her baby without a "kaos dalem". A mom who refuses to use 'gurita' on her baby (left alone naro koin di puser supaya ga bodong!). A mom who threw out all Baby Talc Powder and Lotions. A mom who never uses 'minyak telon' (selain ga bole sama dokter, turns out Onya alergi ama minyak telon). A mom who ...

Many moons ago I had lots and lots to talk about. I suppose I can attribute that seemingly continuous flow of opinions to my youth, or my inexperience with life or maybe it was just me and my love for talking on paper. I used to be a very talkative person online. On the Internet, I've always been a very opinionated person, bulldozing my way to have my piece of mind heard, using this personal space to rant on relentlessly about my point of view - and during those really active years, it really didn't matter to me what people thought. These days, for some reason, I don't quite feel the need to be so insistent about expounding my opinions anymore. I mean, I'm still me. And some things do get me riled up and I speed along to Twitter to drop off my piece of mind – but those moments just aren't that frequent anymore. Even on those social platforms, I log on with something important and urgent I intend to say, but as I type and attempt to frame my thoughts into 140 c...

Typed this last night. What a year it has been so far. The baby decided to come knocking. I finally experienced labour and survived to tell the story. I have a cuddly little adorable girl who goes 'uuuhh-aahh-auuuu'' everytime she wants milk and cramps up her lips and goes, 'hrrrrrmmmm … hrrrmmm…' everytime she passes a motion. I hardly speak about anything else except my daughter nowadays. To think that just a few years back I used to be totally puzzled as to why those 'mommy blogs' just talk about NOTHING but their kids. Hahaha. Now I get it. Totally! :) I noticed that in the past few months I've less of an opinion about everything under the sun, I'm less passionate about voicing my two-cents on how religion should be practised, I'm more introverted about my political leanings, and suddenly I'm no longer media savvy – which tells you a lot about how fast things change in this community. There were times when I questioned my sanity by quitti...

Once a while when the day ends in less desirable conditions, I go mumbling to myself, mentally listing down all the things I could have done better. In almost all situations I realize that the day didn't turn out so well because somewhere, at some point in time during the day, I made a compromise with myself and allowed the cynical confusions of what the world wants me to be take over myself. Now I'm not idealist, and the knowledge that we don't live in a perfect world helps me make flexible choices. You see I don't really like to lie, or kiss ass, or tell the donkey he's a horse, but alas, sometimes, a woman's got to do what a woman has to do. For instance, can u really tell your in laws that their food tasted like an old shoes? Or can u really tell them that their make up are hideous and made them look like a crazy godzilla? Once a while happens a lot these days. Just yesterday I declared to myself, 'Okay, whatever it is, I shall be very honest today.'...