The Me Inside....

Thursday, 15/12/16 I stayed at home whole day yesterday. Practically my first full day at home after a week in the hospital. Still wasn't feeling great.  For once, I let Onya watch TV for couple hours. It's her first day of school holiday anyway, and I literally had no energy to play with her as usual.  So I cut us some slack.  I let her watch all her series, and I just laid on the couch watching with her. I fixed her breakfast and lunch. Prepared some snacks, and continue to be a couch potato.  Onya did have a break from TV though. I asked her to write a card for her friend Soairse who is battling cancer.  She drew a couple pictures too. She asked me whether Omar can come over and play. I said no. I really, really wasn't feeling well yesterday. I don't think I can handle a playdate.  Then she played with her dinosaurs. Then we watched Disney's Dinosaur movies, where I get to close my eyes for 10 minutes trying to ease the headache. Then I had a diclofenac ...

Just got home today after spending 7 long days in the hospital again.  This one was by far the worst.  My bad sih kali ini.  All started about 2 weeks ago with what I suspected as a simple urine infection. I had no symptom apart from funny-smelling urine in the morning.  Then I had on-off low grade fever for few days, but really nothing. It felt like I was about to have a cold, that was all.  I honestly brushed it off my mind. I mean, I had enough. I just got back to work after 3 weeks off. I had a very productive week. Im about to go on holiday..... so no. Im not gonna see Shona for common cold. Or so I thought.  But I guess God loves me so much. Out of the blue, ga ada angin ga ada ujan - Monday 5 Dec Shona phoned me.  She was just checking to see how Im doing, coz few weeks ago I complained about my blurry vision post-op.  And after being stubborn and told her that I'll see an optometrists next year (coz I've had enough seeing specialist this y...

Okay, so I obviously do NOT want to jinx it..... but strangely, my first 3 days of coming back to work is not too bad. To the contrary..... I feel that Im more productive these 3 days compared to the last 2 months. Weird. Scary at the same time too. I'm practically on my own now, with one of manager had been made redundant and the other one is declining her contract extension. (she's not even here today, and noone knows where she is). The two Management Accountants are.... well, out of reach. One has a major personality problem..... the other one is drawning with work and he has to make decision whether he wants to stay or move to other DHB. Then one of my colleague is taking a sick leave for 3 weeks. I honestly do not know how am I going to cope on my own next week. I literally have noone to ask if I don't understand something. I kept saying in my head "mampus dah".......  tapi as per this very second, I still haven't made up my mind whether gw m...

Hey myself, feeling a bit mellow tonight eh? Today I had quite a "talkative" day with Shelley and abis ketemu Shelley pulangnya gw cerita2 sama Andi juga. So I let the extrovert of me came out a bit today.   Had late breakfast with Shelley at Simmer. Yes we talked a lot. Like, a lot! Hadn't seen her for a little over a month since a week before my surgery.  She wanted to come see me at the hospital, but ofcourse I said no.  Im not the type yg suka ditengokin at my most vulnerable moment, apparently. Me being an introvert.  She sent me a bouquet of flowers instead. I love fresh flowers. Since we bought this house, rasanya we almost always have fresh flowers on the table.  Anyway, we talked a lot. Then Nicole and Daniel came and join us for a bit. This is the first time I met Daniel, he and Nicole really have a good chemistry. Can almost literally feel that they're meant to be for each other. Then when they left, Shelley and I had another cup of coffee and continu...

Yes yes!! I finally told my parents about the surgery.  Ya karena all good news now.  The surgical sites are healing well. Liver test back to normal.  All good.  Skyped tadi n lagi pada ok banget mood nya.  And mami beberapa kali bilang gw tambah cakep (jieeeehh!) n seger.  Jadi ya sekalian deh, jadi mereka juga kan liat kalo gw dah beneran gapapa.  Rasanya? LEGA BANGET!!!!!!

Discharged with a round of antibiotics. The fever subsided as soon as they injected the antibiotics to the IV line.  Pheeww...... udah deh, abis ini beres. Ga ada macem2 lagi dah yaaaa. Cape ah bulak balik hospital.  So yes. Im home (again) now.  Kemaren sempet bingung, ko di hospital gw seger buger banget. Ke tempat xray sama usg jalan sendiri (i refused buat didorong pake wheelchair!) badan juga literally ga berasa apa2. Saban ditanya pain level gw selalu bilang ZERO. Tapi begitu sampe rumah, ga lama kok badan kayak ga enak gitu. Kaya abis digebukin. Sakitnya buset2... Terus mikir... di hospital painkillers itu rutin. Lagi healing abis invasive surgery gini for the first week or so itu yg namanya pain killers itu terus rutin.  Lah dirumah gw ga kepikiran, yg di otak gw cuma antibiotik ga boleh lupa.  Ternyata ga boleh tunggu berasa sakit dulu baru makan pain killers krn bodi healing nya jadi lebih lama.  Pain killers nya bukan addictive substance ko. Mere...

Back in the hospital for the 4th time since 26 August!!!! Im sooo pissed. This time because of suspected infection.   Had a mild fever in the morning, so I went to see Shona.  Panik lah dia, 3 days post op and I developed a fever with a leeking wound. She sent me off to ED.  I begged her not to. But did she listen? No.  off I go to ED. Drove myself here.  Good thing ED wasn't too full. The last time I was there I had to wait nearly 5 hours. Im in Public hospital now (where I work) - coz private hospital ga punya ED.  Gitu deh. Im pissed. Im gutted.  I dont wanna be here.  They give me a strong antibiotic through my IV line. Hurt!!  Ahhh... pdhal im feeling so ok, another hole poked into my veins...  Keesseeellll. I wasnt expecting this at all! Tau gitu tadi ga usa ke Shona. Malesin bangeet kudu nginep sini lagi. Aaaahhh!

My eyes! Aarrgg so bluurrry. Mungkin begini rasanya jadi kakek nenek kl ga pake kacamata ya. Supeerr blurr. Double vision pulaaa.  Haisshh..... when will my vision back to normaall?? 

Had my gallbladder removed on Monday. It went really well.  I really was in good hands.  The doc, anaesthesist, nurses were so helpful.  Discharged was A LOT faster than public hospital.  Private is soooo much better :) So I had the surgery at about 9:30 am. Was in an observation room for 2 hours. My o2 level was pretty low so they hooked me up with an O2 mask for almost 24 hours.  Post surgery was fine. Until about 6 pm, the pain kicked in. I was a cry baby. I was sobbing and now I feel really embarrased!  At about 3 am, they had to put a catheter :( because Mu bladder was full, but I couldn't get it out. They told me it was probably because of the anaesthesia.  Now the other annoying side effect  for me: i have a super blur vision. As I typed this blog, I can barely see the letters.  I remember having problem when I first had my endoscopy couple of months ago. This is very unpleasant. I kept blinking and trying to adjust my focus but it's s...

This is something worth blogging for. People say there is a strong connection between mom and kid.  It's true. I wouldn't be too surprise if it came from my dad. But this came from mom, she doesn't really text. Her text came at the most needed time, at one of the longest nights..... then she realized it was 2:34 am and started yapping about why I was still awake. 😄 Geez mom, Im not 6 anymore LoL! :)  Ade juga kangen mammiii.  I wish you were here mom. I need you! 😭 Can't wait to see you this December!

Most of the time, I dont need "advice".  Just shut up and listen.  Just be on my side.  Funny how people you know for decades still dont get it. Yet there are people who u met just a couple of years ago, get it.  Dont push me to tell you what's going on.  I will tell you. In my own terms.  And if I suddenly became reserved, it means I want you to back off. Ask a genuine "are you okay?" And just be there and support me.  Sometimes, you dont even have to understand.  Just be there and bear with me.  A simple text like this will do. That suffices.  She knows I'll tell her when Im ready.  Heck sometimes it wasn't even about readiness. Sometimes I just dont wanna talk about it because it gets too stressful.  I have my own way of managing my internal war.  Things are happening at the same time and they're overwhelmingly pressuring.  Stop saying things like "oh you'l...

So the health journey isn't over yet, but I think we're getting closer to find the answer. I had another endoscopy just a few days ago to check the ulcers. Good thing is all ulcers healed up well. I have no more ulcers in my tummy. Yay! But the pain still there, and the liver test is still elevated. This just doesn't add up to the equation. Another good thing is, they may have found the 'real' culprit this time. After numerous ultrasounds, scans, bloodtests, they finally found something definitive. The HIDA scan showed no gallstones. It filled up really well. BUT! It is not emptying properly. My gallbladder was only functioning at 32%. So my poorly functioning gallbladder needs to go. Bye bye gallie! Gonna have surgery this coming Monday, 7 November 2016. Simon Bann is my Laparascopic Surgeon, and he will try to perform keyhole (laparoscopic cholecystectomy) surgery to remove my gallie. Recovery for this is 1-2 weeks. Should there be any complicatio...

This season of my life is about my health. That's why I blogged a lot about it. It's bothering me, and I guess blogging about it is part of my coping mechanism as I dont really talk about it.  So I came down with a cold. Geez, it's been ageess since I last had one. See, before April, my health was pretty much impeccable. I didn't even get cold that often. The last time I got sick was 2013. Tapi after April things are starting to crumble.  Now I having a cold. Stuffy nose, a bit of cough and fever. I feel miserable. Still went to work though.  Si heart rate gimana? Well even in "normal" people, the heart rate will speed up when u have fever. So in my case, of course it went up even higher *baru tau Apple watch bisa di screenshot* 162 is my RESTING heart rate. Kebayang ga kalo gw sekarang maen tenis or jogging? Gw rasa bisa mati beneran kali.  How am I feeling? Mati rasa.  Gw dah haha hehe aja deh pas liat. Pasrah. Ya mo gimana lagi abisan? Ini sampe leher, kupi...

I knew it the moment she called it wasn't a good news. If it was, it's gonna be a text msg.  Sigh. I just wanna get to the bottom of it! It gets frustrating!!!!

Mumpung lagi mood :) Sooo, sekolah Onya baru dapet funding dari government buat bikin bike track. Beginning of this year we received funding for a new second playground. Udah jadi tuh sekarang. Trus A couple of months ago dpt kabar kalo dapet another funding buat bike track. So the bike track is underway! I was looking at it from our deck. One day ga ada apa2, eehh kemaren tiba2 udah banyak aja gitu prosesnya hahaha.  Then me being me, terharu dong.  Im sooo grateful bisa tingga di negara ini. Negara dimana uang tax kita bener2 keliatan buat apa.    Sooo grateful that my daughter bisa jalan kaki pulang pergi kesekolah (kalo pas mak bapaknya ga males). So grateful that tiap ngelongok ke jendela, kita kayak ngeliat lukisan (walo di foto ini lagi summer jd gunungnya gundul kuning hahaha).  Bisa ke local cafe yg walking distance n duduk2 di beanbag kalo pas summer. Bisa ngawasin Onya sekolah pake kekeran. Bisa liat rumput pada jadi es kalo winter Bisa ngerasain deng...

Im on blogging frenzy these few days. Mumpung lagi ada mood nya and I think it's good for the future-me to look back.  Masi ga jau2 dari issue health deh.  Kemaren ahirnya ketemu Shona, dah lost fokus banget deh gw abisan.  I haven't been sleeping udah sekitar 2 minggu. I'm lucky enough if I get 2 hours sleep a day. Awalnya si gara2 I was still in so much pain due to the ulcers ya. Jd kebangun2 mulu. Tapi lama2 pain nya makin bearable, tapi somehow my brain just doesn't switch off. Sebenernya dikata stress mikir juga ngga si. Gw ga mikir yg berat2 gimana. Kadang emang cuma ga ngantuk aja. Ngerti ga si?  Ternyata tidur itu penting. Karena tobput it bluntly, makin lama gw ga tidur - makin begolah gw. It comes to a point sampe kayanya mikir ini hari apa aja tuh lammaaaa.  Ngomong juga loncat2 ga jelas. Yg bikin parahnya, im really really good at masking things. If I dont tell you, u wont notice there's something yg not right with  me. Frankly, Andi aja ga nyad...

Time to see Shona.  This can't keep going And being at work is not helping.  This environment is toxic as fuck at this moment.  We're going through a major restructuring and people lost their jobs. Im safe. But I may take voluntary resignation kalo begini caranya.  People are not talking to each other, and once they do they bark! The worst part?? They put me in the middle because Im "the sweet one". It feels like having to choose between ur mom or dad. Being put in the midst of war and being the only one to convey to msg.  Crap. This is not fun anymore.  This morning my manager was literally crying her eyes out. THREE fucking times! The second one she went straight to HR to put a formal complaint against the other manager.  The last blow was the other manager came and they screamed on top of their lungs all the F words and ujung2-nya mewek kejer!! Guess who stuck in the middle of it? Me!! Freakin' ME!!! One said "please give this to A, you're the only ...

This is my freakin' resting heart rate today.  Lagi ga ngapa2in, beneran lagi dieemmm.  Yang. Be.ner. A.je!! Mana ga bisa tidooo mulu brapa ari ini.  Kenapa lagi sik inniiiihh 😡 Mana nih beta bloker? Kalo ga takut efek samping uda gw tambahin sendiri dosisnya.  No chest pain this time - Im more annoyed than anything. Cape tauuu. Literally physically drainiiiinngg! Dan! Sehari setelah ketemu Darren! Coba kalo kemaren, kan gw bisa sekalian nanyaaa. Prrreeett! Hiihh!