Pre-Surgery

So the health journey isn't over yet, but I think we're getting closer to find the answer.

I had another endoscopy just a few days ago to check the ulcers.
Good thing is all ulcers healed up well.
I have no more ulcers in my tummy. Yay!

But the pain still there, and the liver test is still elevated.
This just doesn't add up to the equation.

Another good thing is, they may have found the 'real' culprit this time.

After numerous ultrasounds, scans, bloodtests, they finally found something definitive.

The HIDA scan showed no gallstones. It filled up really well.
BUT! It is not emptying properly. My gallbladder was only functioning at 32%.
So my poorly functioning gallbladder needs to go. Bye bye gallie!

Gonna have surgery this coming Monday, 7 November 2016.
Simon Bann is my Laparascopic Surgeon, and he will try to perform keyhole (laparoscopic cholecystectomy) surgery to remove my gallie. Recovery for this is 1-2 weeks.
Should there be any complication, then he will cut me open (laparotomy)- if this happen, recovery will take 4-6 weeks.

He is quite confident that keyhole would be successful though.

Good thing about Simon is that he is actively conversing with Darren (my cardiologist) about the coming surgery. He makes sure that the anaesthetist knows exactly which one is suitable for me and my heart "condition".

Gimana rasanya? Kanciong, cape juga..... Im just tired of being "strong".
At this point of time, I wish my mom is here.

All these times, not once did I ever tell my mom nor dad about my health issue.
I didn't want them to worry about me.
But you know, it has been months.
Im about to go under the knives.

I think parents (especially moms) are strong. I know. Because Im a mom too.

I wish I could tell my mom.
I wanna be able to allow myself to feel vulnerable. Because I am!
I've been on "my own" for so long.
Yes, I have Andi.
but it's different. I want my mom.
She may not be physically here with me, but I want her to know. I need her to know. 

I wanna be able to talk about it.

Dont get me wrong.
Im not afraid of dying on that operating table.
As I said before - gw mah ga takut mati. Apalagi kalo matinya gegara operasi, I'll be under anaesthesia - it'll be a peaceful death (kayanya sih ya). (not that Im going to, gallbladder surgery is very common here - udah macam usus buntu aja) but but but but..... I need my mom. Im tired, that's all.
I wanna be able to talk about it to and with her (dad includes).

I hate lying about it. 

Dad would texts me every single morning without fail, the moment he opens his eyes "onya gimana? Ade gimana di kantor, ntar siang makan apa?"

You see, i've lied to him a couple of months ago. 

I was in the hospital. But i told him that office was fine, and that I had pasta for lunch. 

While the fact that I've been vomitting my guts out, had nothing to eat for days and IV lines stuck in my arm. 

I hate lying to him.

Sometimes, in time like this - I envy my brother.
He can simply go to Buaran, and be a "son" - kalo ga enak badan tinggal bilang.
Mom will come to his rescue, dikerikin, dipijitin, dibikinin makanan.
I can't do that.

Told him I may wanna tell mom about this surgery - but he said better not.
He worries mami bakal kepikiran. 

Iya sih... he has a point. 

Gw juga ga mao dia ampe sakit gegara mikirin gw. 

I wont forgive myself if that happen. 

Apalagi dia juga baru broke her ankle.

So, no. 

I knoowwww I wont tell her. Not now at least. 

When Im all fixed and better, then maybe.

But definitely not now.

It's just that I've been keeping things for so long.....
and Im tired of being strong. It's draining.
I wanna be a "daughter", where I can just simply let go.
Amit2 if this happen to Sonia, wouldn't I wanna know?
Wouldn't I wanna be able to support her? At least in prayers?

This is just me being me. 

A little sister who sometimes gets jealous with her brother. 

No offense against him at all. 

And i surely hope he wont get defensive if one day he finds out about how I feel. 

Mom and Dad were there for him when he had his thyroid problem.
They were there with him. For him. 

All the way through. 

From the start til the end. 

Mind you, his mood was horrible during those times. 

I remember very vividly dia ngebentak mami kenceng banget di pepper lunch di PI.

Not his fault, the hormones got the best of him. 

I know. But at least mom and dad were there.
Imagine if he was on his own.....

I need them now.
but I can't have them.

Left alone being physically cared for. I cant even tell them what's going on.

I feel very vulnerable. 

Di kantor juga drama masih going on. 

I feel inadequate. I feel small. I feel fragile. 

I need to know that it's okay to feel down once in a while. 

Im no whiner. 

Im no complainer. 

Heck if anything, i've been as strong as I could kok selama ini.

Not even Andi tau how hard I try. 

Again... dont get me wrong. 

Andi is a very, very, VERY good guy. 

But he's a GUY. 

He can be so typical. 

He can be so.... "stupid" as in, kelewatan cueknya. 

Bukan cuek karena dia ga peduli. 

Tapi emang karena dia ga nyadar. 

Karena emang dia ya.... "laki" banget. 

Dooh, yg cewe si pasti ngerti deh maksud gw apa. 

Susah jelasinnya. 

There are countless nights where I curled up in pain. 

Bahkan gw sampe pesen ke andi "eh, bsk pagi lu bangunin gw ya sebelon ke kantor... just in case I die in my sleep, amit2 jgn sampe Onya yg nemuin mayat gw" 

Konyol ya kedengerannya?? 

But I only said that because the night before I felt such a sharp pain on my chest. 

A different kind of pain yg gw belon pernah experience before. 

(Now I know it was because of the ulcers, but I didn't know then). 

Kalo gw dipesenin begitu, gw bakal worried sick! 

I would contemplate to call an ambulance malah.

Tapi andi?

"Oh, you ok?"

"Eerr no. Didn't I just tell u my chest hurt?"

"Oh ok... i'll wake u up in the morning. Nite sayang". 

Udah. Gitu doang. 

Trus dia ngorok ngak ngok ngak ngok. 

Sigh.

 

I knoooowww dia itu bukannya ga peduli. 

I knoooooowww dia itu sayang banget sama gua. 

I knoooowwww!

Cuma kadang otaknya suka "ga nyampe" deh kalo soal ginian.

Dia tuh "laki" banget.

 

Ya anyway,.... intinya: gua cappeeee.