The Me Inside....

One day, I wanna sing this song ... and actually mean it. Sang by the American Idol 2007, Jordin Sparks. There was a time I packed my dreams away. Living in a shell, hiding from myself. There was a time when I was so afraid. I thought I'd reached the end, But baby that was then I am made of more than my yesterdays. This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment. As I look around I can't believe the love I see. My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts That was then, this is my now. And I have the courage like never before, yeah. I've settled for less now I'm ready for more, Ready for more. This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment. As I look around I can't believe the love I see. My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts. That was then, this is my now.I 'm living in the moment I look around I can't believe the love I see. My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubts. That was then, this is my now. This is my now . Uaaahh, ...

Tuhan, Aku mau ngadu lagi. Hari ini sepertinya semua salah. Sepertinya ga ada yg bener. Hatiku rasanya berat banget. Tadi aku sediih banget. I'm sad that life's not all as it's supposed to be, ... or at least how I planned it to be. Its really aggravating that life always skews from initially intended. Why is it that sometimes life has its own uncanny way of making me want to scream profanities? God, Im sorry... but restraint is really a challenge when I'm feeling like shit practically all day. Sekarang, Hari ini udah ampir abis. It's 10.18 pm now. Aku uda ga marah lagi. Aku uda ga sedih lagi. Aku uda ga takut lagi. .... tapi aku caappeee banget. Tired on the inside. Im drained, Lord. Really I am. I feel so vulnerable... so fragile tonight. Touch me and I'll break. Ah. Tapi Tuhan, makasih ya. ... for everything. In moments like these, I sing out a song.. I sing out, a love song to Jesus. Cuma Kamu yang tau isi hatiku. Cuma Kamu yang mengerti. I heart You. ... a...

I've been having trouble sleeping these few days. Too much thought randomly flood the ocean of my mind. Last night (well, this morning at 3 am), I started thinking. Thinking about people who has touched and made a difference in my life. Through the years.... Not that many people left their footprints in me. I can think of those who hurt me, those whom I hurt, those who made me a better person, those who always listens, Those who.... who made me who I am today. Some of those people aren't in my life anymore. As time flies, we went our own separate way. Best friends became just friends. Friends became best friends. ... but there are also some who remains. I realized that people made a difference in me in a way I couldn't comprehend. Like the homeless guy. I didn't even know his name. I met him for like... errr, 5 minutes. .. but without him knowing, he made such a huge impact in me. Iya, mereka yg udah meninggalkan jejak langkah dalam idupku. Jejak yg akan terus terpatri...

Im in a nostalgic-mood... Adi Posted 27/12/2003 9:26 PM apa yah.. dari kenal pertama udah keliatan anaknya rame, walopun belom keliatan gila2nya. makin lu kenal makin keliatan ngelunjaknya, makin rame anaknya. pokonya enak deh diajak jalan. walopun keliatan baek2, sopan,etc, anaknya juga comfortable buat diajak ga tau diri. pengalaman g (g udah kenal dia cukup deket), dia anaknya independen, mikirnya logic, attitudenya bagus, kadang anaknya nekat abis (inget waktu lu nyolong sprite 1.5liter dari Pizza Hut, g ga akan lupa) pokonya had enough strength to tackle the shitty part of life. kalo nemu masalah anaknya prefer diem di pojok and mikir daripada cerita2 ke orang, bisa dibilang pendiem abis soal ini. kendi tuh bisa dibilang anak paling rapih yang g ketemu sampe saat ini, perfeksionis (kata dianya sih, g sih ga bialng gitu). walopun dia kadang juga tendang2 barang ke bawah ranjang biar keliatan rapih, by the end of the day dia selalu ngeberesin kolong ranjangnya(somethin' yang g g...

Im thinking about my Virtual Villager. What are they doing now? Have they gained enough Tech points? Have the builders unblock the lagoon? Ah. Im turning into a gamer. I wish I have my iMac here with me. .... so I can monitor my villagers. Kok gw jadi gila game ya? *gawat*

.... ga mau kemana2? Yea rite!!!!!

You know those movie scenes where a person get smacked out at their head? Where u can literally see their brain burst out and scattered all over the place.. Or have u got any junk emails where they show u a picture of a man commited suicide by jumping off a 22 stories building? ... where the brain was all over the place? Well, I saw one of those sickening scene this morning. A motorbike accident near Menara Gading Condo... They covered the body with some carton boxes, but ironically, they didn't cover the head.... So yeah, I saw it. ... the hair, ... the blood, ... and the brain, complete with all the tissues. I never knew brain would look like that. It was pinkish. Waaay to pinkish for a brain. It looked like a super pale mince beef. Yucky scene for a morning ride. ... but I didn't feel anything. Mom freaked out the moment she saw it. She was like ' aduuuhh dee, itu otak yaaa... aduuuhhh amit2! Jangan liat.. Idiiiihh' my reaction was, 'o iya, ada otaknya tu.. ko gi...

susah ya kalo idup dikendalikan sama si mud... mud...mud...mud.... my mud is really... really bad ...help me. Laut aja masi bisa diukur, tapi dalemnya ati manusia emang bener2 ga bisa diukur. Paduli apa mereka? yg penting mereka seneng. Ngomong aja as if nothing has ever happened. Rasanya things aren't gonna be the same anymore. Sebut aku ga ada otak, ... tapi at least aku tau kapan harus berpikir utk diriku, dan kapan harus mulai berpikir utk orang lain. Sebut aku egois, ... tapi at least aku bukan pengecut! Sebut aku gila, ... tapi at least aku bisa bersandar pada nurani dan melepas segala logika!! Aaarrgghhh!!! Tuhan, gelasku uda penuh... isinya uda pada tumpah-tumpah... bikin hatiku jadi basah, ...tapi mataku ga bisa diajak kerja sama... pintu aernya ga kebuka-buka, padahal hatiku mulai kebanjiran... saat mulutku mau bercerita... pengen buang semua sampah yang bikin hatiku kebanjiran... semua orang malah menutup mulutku dengan sampah-sampah mereka... mereka lega... dan aku? sem...

Fact # 102 Im getting old. Im done and over with alcohol. Last night I felt nauseous the moment I smell the Baileys. I had to literally force myself to swallow those sickening liquids. It blew me away pas tau si Abo (Ong Fan Kui) mesen 1 dozen shot. Dah mo pingsan rasanya.... mo ga mo deeeh, kudu telen juga tu minuman nista. Pas Lim Cu Kiok pesen another dozen gw lebih2 mo pingsan. Ga de ga deee..... terpaksa I had to be a party pooper kemaren. Couldn't take it animo bradaah. Enough is enough. Mhoakakaaaakk Kenapa yaaa guaa?? I blame abo. She caused all these. She led me to this catastrophic, traumatic experience with alcohol. September 2, 2006 was the night. That was suppose to be my hen-party, but ended up throwing my guts out, made friend with the toilet bowl. So gitu deee critanaaa, nyium alkohol aje uda mo muntah... *hooeeekkk* Tapi teuteup aja, I had so much fun last night. I didn't get drunk, wakakakaaaak Obviously, didn't have a hangover today *yeeppeee* Sennneeeeng...

I, .... don't wanna lose my respect. I cannot go on with this state of mind. Gimana dong? gimannnnaa? This is pathetically awkward. You know, sometimes... you feel like as if everyone around you expects you to accomodate to them and their needs. And your voice of reason gets muted, and becomes insignificant. Well, lately, I've been having these moments. I feel like she doesn't seem to get me, or she does... but doesn't give a shit. I need to let out these pent-up tensions and aggravations that I have. Sometimes, I just want to swallow a sleeping pill and sleep peacefully, a recluse away from the snafu of reality. I like to help people out. I tend to go an extra mile for people who are close to me. I mean, I'm not craving myself out to be some sort of a saint here, ... but I do have my good attributes that shine amidst my bad qualities Sometimes, its tiring to always be there for someone. Iiiiihh!! Stop being an aaasssss. You're very irritating..... and you know ...

Papi : *mumble mumble mumble misuh2 ga jelas* Me : Apaan sih pi? ngomong ga jelas... Papi : *mumble mumble....* berak *mumble mumble lagi* Me : Ooh, berak dimana? *berasumsi kalo piko yg berak* Papi : Dimana, dimana! *dgn nada sebel masih misuh2 *... Tuh, kamu abis berak ga disirem! Me : Hah?!? Papi ngomongin ade toh? Masa sih ga disirem?? perasaan udah tadiiii... *malu* Papi : Jorok! *sambil ngeloyor pegi, meninggalkan sang anak yg masi bengong* Halllaahh! masa siiii ga di flush??? lupa meeeh?? masaaa siiii???

Hello little one, Nothing ventured nothing gained so on that note.............. Finally my looong talked about dream is happening. I have just confirmed that I now have a super yacht job!!!! Yeeepeee.. I will be leaving New Zealand around the 21st of this month and flyingto Ft lauderdale to pick up supplies for the boat and get fitted in mysexy white shorts!!!, Ummmm? I will be in Ft Lauderdale for about aweek or so then I head down to Miami to meet the owner of the boat. From there I jump on another plane and head to Forteleza in Brazil. Where I meet the rest of the crew and provision the boat before headingback up the coast through the bahamas on our way back to Miami for handover and first charter. Wow..... and that only the beginning of myjourney. What more could anyone ask for. I knew it! I knew she'd get that job. Never once I doubted her. She always wanted that job. She's been talking about it for as long as I can remember. 5 years ago she was crying coz she didn't ...

I guess we're all still learning. In this humongous universe, we've all been enrolled in the school of life. Life is one big stage, we're all actors and actresses on it. My heart is aching, the pain feels so real. If I leave it till tomorrow, Will I lose all this sorrow? Ya... maybe I'll just bottle it up. Or maybe, I'll just have to turn my back around and ignore everything. ... should I?

I miss my gentle giant *which, udah ga giant lagi skrg*. Renata lost so much weight, she looks stunningly pretty! I miss heeerrr. Eniweeii.... lagi diliatin sama piko ... jadi takut... dia ngeliatin gw sambil sluurp-slurrp gitu... kayanya bentar lagi dia mau makan gw deh... masa jem segini dah laper lagi dut? .. syuuh syuuuh, sana ke dapur.. minta makan sama si Mus aja sono. syuuuhhhh! aiiih...anjing-anjingku.... aku sayang kamu. banget! Gendut gendut genduuutttttt! biar kamu jelek *khusus kakah*, bandel, kepo, bau *khusus piko*, nakal, tukang pipis sembarangan *khusus piko*, suka resee, brisik, *khusus kakah*, rakuusss!! *khusus piko*, manjanya kelewatan *khusus kakah*, tapi kamu selalu ada disitu buat aku. *kepot2 buntut* Aku sayang kammmuuuu anjing!

It's been day 49 for Adrian. Im glad that many people are pulling for him. Update terakhir dari blog was on his 38th day after the accident. Hope things are going well. Life. Idupku lagi baik2 aja belakangan ini. Focusing on simple blue lately. Sepertinya cukup menjanjikan... but we really need to focus. Andi bought me a Music & Lyrics OST. ... he's been giving me little gifts that made my day. Thanks for the detailed attention :) Wat else yaaa?? Oh, hit the ice twice this week. Wednesday from 1.30 - 7 pm. Thursday from 2.30 - 8.20pm. Just realized that ice has smell. Weird yet comforting smell. I like. Aiih aiiih.... I love my iMac! I love it love it love it love it love it love it love it!!!! LOVE my iMac!!!!!!! SO MUCH! ehuahufea... cuma lg pengen ngomong aja. Gw cinta banget ama komputer putihku yg manis dan mahal. Never before I spent sooo much on a computer... with my own money tentunya. US$ 2,000 including HP printer. Aaah.. kepuasan tersendiri. Makanya sebel bange...

People have been complainig lately. They said I never pick up their phone. ... dont ever expect me to pick up phone yg nomernya ga gw kenal. That's just the way I am. I don't feel comfortable talking to ppl I dont know. Bahkan kl gw tau orangnya pun, sometimes I dont feel comfie talking to them. Untuk orang2 yg baru gw kenal, siap2 deh gw cuekin telponnya. Duuuh, sori dudes... tp I just dont like talking to the ppl I just met. It's gonna take some times before I can trully talk to u guys over the phone. I really dont like the awkward pause, the awkward laugh, ... and I really don't like the thought of "duuh, ngomong apa nih abis ini??" Nothing personal, it's just me. *I think I got it from my dad* No really, it's nothing personal... It's not that I dont like them, I do like being their friends. I do. Really! It's not them. It's me. ... I prefer if we txt or msg friendster or email each other first instead of calling. Through written words y...

Last weekend was a blast. I haven't had a 'night' life for quite some time eh? Had a nice cup of lavender-tea at Tea Gallery di La Piazza on Friday. Just the two of us... Did nothing but enjoying each other company. Pulang jem 12 am. Saturday, spent almost all day doodling with my Mac. *apple-shift-O to change font into object... ingetin!!* Tried to finish simple blue website but haven't got much done. Then had a lovely dinner at Pisa (however u spell it) Cafe. There were 4 of us. That best friend of mine trully never ceased to amaze me..... She had a freakin' large (and I mean LARGE!! ) pizza for herself. PLUS quite a bit of amount of my freakin' huge roast chicken! Im pretty sure if the garnish wasn't parsley, she'd eat it all too!! That was a picture of an.... errr.... UN-ladylike way of eating. Anyway, went to Ragusa after dinner. Had rum & raisins ice cream. Was actually craving for sate ayam, but the tukang went home oledi :( Tukang ngamennya ...