Im on blogging frenzy these few days.
Mumpung lagi ada mood nya and I think it's good for the future-me to look back.
Masi ga jau2 dari issue health deh.
Kemaren ahirnya ketemu Shona, dah lost fokus banget deh gw abisan.
I haven't been sleeping udah sekitar 2 minggu. I'm lucky enough if I get 2 hours sleep a day.
Awalnya si gara2 I was still in so much pain due to the ulcers ya. Jd kebangun2 mulu. Tapi lama2 pain nya makin bearable, tapi somehow my brain just doesn't switch off.
Sebenernya dikata stress mikir juga ngga si. Gw ga mikir yg berat2 gimana. Kadang emang cuma ga ngantuk aja. Ngerti ga si?
Ternyata tidur itu penting. Karena tobput it bluntly, makin lama gw ga tidur - makin begolah gw. It comes to a point sampe kayanya mikir ini hari apa aja tuh lammaaaa.
Ngomong juga loncat2 ga jelas.
Yg bikin parahnya, im really really good at masking things. If I dont tell you, u wont notice there's something yg not right with me. Frankly, Andi aja ga nyadar kok kalo gw ga bilangin.
Cuma medical professional aja rasanya yg "engeh".
Kemaren pas ketemu Shona, kalimatbpembuka gw "I need ur help".
Yg dijawab dengan "you haven't been sleeping have u?"
Yg udah kayak dam meledak, tiba2 gw nyerocos dah. Mendadakan extrovert akut.
Ngoceh2 about nothing seems to be working! how I was anticipating constipation from the codeine - instead i got diarrhea. About how the codeine didn't even help with the pain. About how it didn't make me sleep.
About I kinda lost it. About how frustrating it is. About the drama at work.
And about how I wish I could sleep and never have to wake up again.
Shona stopped me right there, immediately.
She said those words aren't helping. That she understands how frustrating it is. That I've gone through so much (in terms of my health) in such a short time.
Dia bilang all those overwhelming frustration will likely to ease if I can get some sleep. Sleep is crucial, even in a healthy 100% people kalo kurang tidur efeknya bakal gede. Apalagi di gw yg belon 100% - my body is still trying to heal the ulcers, still having tachycardia, still having unexplained pain on the RUQ - so the feeling is very normal and understandable.
Try not to sleep for 2 week-ish and tell me if that doesn't mess your brain up!
Thought of something like "doooh, mati aja deh" or "tiduuurr! Ga usa banguun lagi" or "taiiiii!!" or "fuck i just wanna sleep!" Then balik lagi ke "death would be good" - GAK mikir suicide sama sekali (gw masi punya, percaya dan takut Tuhan) - gw cuma capppeee. Keseeelll. Frustrassiiii.
I can understand org2 yg depresi. This small thing can really lead to depression if Im not careful. Especially if you're an introvert.
Intinya gw dikasi sleeping pills. Zopiclone.
Took it last night. PAIT!!!! Beneran obat paling pait yg pernah gw makan.
Guess what?
I slept for like an hour dari jam 8-9... Kebangun gara2 denger suara garasi, Andi pulang abis badminton. Then gw melek dooong sampe jem 5 pagi! Kampret banget ga si.
Gw selalu bilang, gw ini Claire Bennett. A character from Heroes.
I just dont get sick. I heal up fast.
And beneran deeeh, metabolisme n organ gw tuh kuat beneeerr. Kayanya apa2 musti high dose baru mempan di gue. Kesel!!
Gila banget deh. Obat tidur ga efek di gueee. Keselnya da mo makan batu rasanya!!
Twist of the event:
Jam 5 gw tidur ahirnya. 630 weker bunyi, bangun mandi.
Trus 4,5 jam ilang aja gitu dari otak gw. Begitu "sadar" gw bingung. Ko gw udah di kantor.
Gw kan ga bole ngantor ama Shona sampe Senen. Panik dooong.
I had NO recollection at all about how I get to work!!
The last thing I remember itu gw mandi.
Fuck, bahaya banget ga sik!!!
I was sleep driving! Gw did EVERYTHING right. I was functioning 100%. Bahkan gw bales text andi, wasapan sama andi. I did my job di kantor, ngobrol sama colleague gw. Nothing out of the ordinary!!!!
The only thing different is: gw ga inget sama sekali all those!!!!!
Freaked me out!!
Gw google - ternyata emang salah satu rare efeknya ya itu. Karena sleep gw "keputus". With that pills, I NEED to sleep 7-8 hours. Tapi karena sleep gw keputus, gw cuma tidur sejam pas abis makan obatnya (yg gw bangun jam 9) jadi emang ini side effect nya. Macam "sleep-walking"
My brain is exhausted from everything that's been going on. My body is tired. Makanya all those kejadian deh.
Serem banget ga siikkk!!!
Gw pulang tadi sama andi ahirnya jam 1130. Dirumah ngedadak ngantuk. Dapet tidur sejaman.
Stopping the pills immediately.
Oh, I have to do a HIDA scan next Tuesday to see the liver and gall bladder. It's a MRI based scan. They're gonna put an IV line (again) and inject some radioactive tracker into the vein. Sounds very technologically advance.
Mustinya dpt jadwal tgl 7 Oct di public. Tapi kemaren sama Shona disuru majuin asap. Go private lagi aja, toh gw punya insurance n Selasa depan deh jadinya.
Daannn sekarang gw ga ngantuk doong.
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