So here's the situation now.
One second I can be a jolly good fellow.
Next, I'll be the meanest bitch on earth.
Tanya kenapa?
I used to have sooo much passion for the needy.
I used to push my introvert, socially anxious inner being to attend a meeting full of strangers just so I can get involved with World Vision.
I wanted to help the kids.
I wanted to feed the needy.
Gw beli KFC for random people.
I even literally went to the roadside di jalan sabang to help ngajarin anak2 jalanan pelajaran sekolah mereka loh!
If you ask me now?
I dont give a shit anymore.
I freakin' pushed myself beyond my limit.
I made myself available.
Ampir semua orang2 yg gw kenal tuh boro2 bother to try!
Mereka idup jalanin idup mereka day in, day out. Begitu aja.
Ngasih sumbangan aja barang bekas/jelek/rusak kok
Boro2 mikir buat help or reach out to others.
Paling bisanya cuma "pelayanan" di gereja atau "mission trip" jalan2 ke yerusalem. Preett!
Gw nyoba beneran nyoba buat make this world better.
Tapi kayanya semua mentok.
Why bother trying then?
Now I cant even have an answer for myself.
Bodi ga enak.
Mood brantakan.
Makan ga enak.
Minum kepaksa.
I had another surgery on my abdominal wall last Tuesday.
It literally took THREE bloody hours to put a line.
No nurse dared to touch me, as they really couldnt find a vein.
They needed to call the house surgeon.
Two house surgeons also failed.
They tried my foot, but the antibiotics are too nasty for the vein that the nurse refused to use it
They called a technician with the ultrasound machine to find a vein... tapi it took so long coz my veins are either too small, or had collapsed.
They finally managed to put a line.
Geez! Other people took like 1 minute to put a line... I took three hours!!
Off me go to the theatre.
Post-op didnt go too well as my heart rate shot to the roof, I had fever and I was vomitting.
So they kept me in the observation room for quite a long time.
Balik ke ward, malemnya gw sepsis lagi.
Another MET call. I narrowly avoided the ICU.
Besoknya, my haemoglobin dropped so fucking low that I needed blood transfusion.
Gw pengen bejek orang rasanya.
Then my ID specialist came and told me that they are faaaarr from finding an answer.
They found 3 different bacterias that aren't supposed to be where they were.
Puzzled.
Then I had celullitis gegara kebanyakan ditusuk somehow bikin infeksi dikit di tangan. Rasanya? Mual and feverish.
Then I had low blood pressure.
Throughout my stay at the hospital, the veins for the line collapsed every 1 (or two if Im lucky!) use. Now we need the line at least 3 times a day to administered the IV antibiotics. Plus the blood transfussion.
Kebayang dong gw ditusuk2 berpuluh2 kali tiap kali kudu pasang infus baru?!
It hurts! It fuckin hurts! I have a high tolerance of pain, but with that many pricks and mental state..... trust me, you either feel like crying or slapping whoever you can reach!
Belon pas ganti perban.
Fuck that hurts!
Belon lagi I needed to be strong for the people around me as always.
Musti bohong sini sana karena I can NOT tell my parents this time.
They've worried about me enough.
Sampe sekarang mereka masih helicopter-parenting me.
Really, secara mental I can.NOT. take it.
Belon lagi andi yg tiap menit nanya ini ono, how I feel, obat, mau makan apa, mau apa, etc.
Giliran uda dijawab, ga lama nanya lagi pertanyaan yg sama.
Kalo ga mau dengerin ya ga usa nanyaaaaa.
Look. I may sound ungrateful (i AM grateful kok!! Gw besukur orang2 sayang ama gua really!!).... tapi really, I need spaceeeee.
Physically Im going through a lot this few months.
This is not just a simple case of flu or a little migraine. I almost died for goodness sake!! (Mungkin emang mending sekalian aja kaliiii)
I need to mentally recover too.
Kalo ada orang yg cape, itu gua!
Sumpah caappeee secape capenya!
Fisik gw capeee, weeks leading to the surgery gw bediri di dapur cuma nunggu kopi yg cuma berapa menit tuh capee banget. Jalan cuma kuat few minutes abis tu gw kudu balik mobil duduk.
Naek tangga udah mo mati rasanya.
And ternyata emang sel darah merah gw low banget!
So ya symptoms gw tuh bukan dibuat2, not just in my head!
And itu semua efek ke pikiran and mood.
Ini bukan cuma sekedar anemia yg kalo bediri itu berkunang2. Itu mah makan sangobion juga ok lagi.
The fact that I needed transfusi darah must have indicated something serious!
Giliran gw coba open up sedikit, orang2 langsung shut me off.
Emang kenapa sih kalo gw ngomongin soal death??
Emang kenapa sih kalo gw share sedikit mungkin kekhawatiran gw soal itu? Soal ninggalin orang yg gw sayang kalo emang gw mati beneran gara2 penyakit ga jelas ini?
Orang baru ngomong kalimat pembuka, udah di "jangan ngomongin mati doong"
Lah kentut lah.
Org ngomong doang mao denger, giliran gw mo ngomong soal apa yg beneran bother me, dianggap pamali or dianggap gw mengada2 ngomongin gituan.
Kalo gw bilang gw ngerasa moyung, emang kenapa?
Lah emang itu yg gw rasain kok.
Dikit2 cape, dikit2 sakit, dikit2 masuk hospital.
Langsung org bukannya denger malah langsung kecacingan "ngga koo, lu ga moyung".
Heh! This is not about YOUR view of me. This is MY view about myself.
Let me talk! Let me vent!
Dont cut me! At the end of the day, I may not need your advise.
I just need to fucking vent!
Just be my person.
Nod with me. Shout with me. Cry with me.
Take my hand. Feel what I feel. Breathe the air I breathe.
I dont need to be lectured.
Kalo di indo ada bak aer.
Gw bis venting tereak2 dalem bak aer.
Bisa klakson2 di jalan seenak jidat.
Bisa ngebut.
Bisa ketemu kambing item di jalan buat gw tai2-bangsat2-in.
Lah disini?? Semua orang nyetir damai aman tenteram. Gw mo ngomel2 ya berasa gila sendiri.
Mandi ya pake shower, kaga ada bak!
Bego.
Bodo!
Postingan kali ini is about me venting!
Secara ga ada juga yg mao denger gw ngoceh in person.
So... taiiii!
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