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Christmas 2020

Never would I ever thought that getting through Christmas would be this difficult. 

Too much social things happening, and I beat myself up for turning every-single-one of it down. Di kantor udah dikenal as a wuss when it comes to any social gathering (yes, as much as I love my Team... 2,5 taon gw kerja bareng mereka, I never once showed up to any of the gathering - which is like once a fortnight!). 

They never stop inviting me, which is a good thing? But it gets harder and harder finding an excuse. It’s especially hard during this period. They’re inviting me to their home, so our families can meet.

And those friends like Fee yg nyuruhin dateng buat natalan. And them Indonesians yg ngadain BBQ.

Andi and Onya went to the BBQ and gw dirumah dong. Trust me, I tried. Bukannya bedegong ga nyoba... it’s just ngebayangin beheha behehe tanpa juntrungan... ah. Seems so kosong. So shallow. Too much deh buat gw. The aftermath is not worth it for my mental being.

This world is really not build for introverts. With all the mental shits going on, it just makes thing a lot harder. 

I just wish I don’t have to feel guilty for not going. For just staying home during this period. For me to just.... be. 

Kayanya makin tua makin yakin I’m in the spectrum. Kemaren wkt di Auckland stress banget liat so many people, so many cars, even the slightest sound irked me. 

Only a handful of people know who I really am, how bad my introversion is, or what I’m going through these last couple of years. I guess I’m fucking good when it comes to put on a mask.

Tadi bel rumah bunyi. Know what I did?? Instead of opening the door like a normal human, I literally got down on my knees and hands, and crawled to the side of my island table so kalo yg ngebel ngintip ke rumah, dia ga bisa liat gue! 

SEGITUNYEE I avoid people loh! Iye, SEGITUNYE!! I’m so broken.

I can’t wait to move into our new home yg kita sengaja design biar org ga bisa ngintip ke dalem sama sekali.

Ah... this year’s Christmas is so stressful deehhhhhhhh. I’d rather be on the road travelling (even though I don’t like roadtrips) for the mere reason so I can avoid social gathering!

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