Random Thoughts

Was intending to write something light tonight,
but my mind has drifted far deeper than just 'light'.

Many things had happened these last 5 weeks,
and I guess today is one of those moments when I put my thinking-cap on.
So it's gonna be one of those loooong posts.

Let's see....
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On my last post, I said I really need some space.
Yep. I've built a wall so high that I wasn't letting anybody come near me.
I was a cranky bitch for a couple of weeks... until she pushed the button.

I saw it coming. I knew I couldn't take it anymore.
So on that one fine day in the car, I blew up.
Of course, me being me, there were so much tears and sobbing involved.
... but at least I conveyed the messege right out.

I felt better after.
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Perfection.
... has become a profound word for me lately.
It bugs me.

Im beginning to resent the fact that reality comes delivered on a line drawn between me and perfection.
Not to say it's a sin to want to have things both ways - sure, we can all dream.. right?

Yet Im still fighting for that one, valid, excuse to be irrational sometimes.
I know... and I have accepted the very fact that life is a one-way street.
I guess conflicts give me a good enough reason to turn around and move on at the exact same moment.
So sue me.
Because I know it's okay to miss a few good things in life,
.... as long as the best is in your hands.
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Hopes, Dreams and Expectations

Im striving for an immaculate future... and it's not (always) good!!
Why? coz I've put way too much pressure on myself and on others!
I sweat over small, minute stuff.

I wonder when and how did I turn into an ambitious perfectionist.
I know what I want. I set my bar high.
I value things (and people I care abt) more than what others put a tag on.
I do the best.
I give the best.

... but sometimes it hit me when I found out that not everybody gives their best.
At the end, I end up to be the battered one.
I end up to be the one walking home cripled.

Is it alright to dream big dreams?

Yeah ... sometimes, I think Im chasing after something bigger than myself.
Bigger you know? Like, being part of something else beyond my self.
Whether it's in love, family, work and even in the way I play the piano (cliched as it might be),
or just ... anything, really.

I want to see something beyond me,
something I can step up to,
something I can aspire to.

Does that make sense?
Maybe.
Maybe to the people who feel inadequate like me.

But it is the aspiration that makes us bigger than ourselves,
... that make us want to reach out, reach out beyond our meagre self.

This probably sounds dumb, but I grew up thinking I'd do something.
Not so much in a world-changing manner (of coz, I'd love to make this earth better to live in),
... but at least, in some way that meant something.
... meant something for me, and for others around me.. esp the ones I love.

Did I feel special?
Yes, sometimes.
I belive that Im here for a reason.
.. that there is a purpose meant for me to be here right now..
Well, probably everyone grew up feeling like this.
I thought I was going to mean something, in the smallest detail,
... yet in a way that it's all that matters... perhaps in my immediate sphere of influence.

But then again, from time to time,
.... gradually, imperceptibly, that feeling disappeared,
and I was (back to square one) thinking that Im just... a nobody.

Felt like this world is too big to conquer.

I just wanna be the better me.
Really.
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(Finally!) The Lighter Side.

There's always be the first time for everything.
Today, first time I went to The Premiere EX and watched Music and Lyrics.
I love the movie, and ofcoz... love the seats!!!
Gw sukkkaa felem2 yg berbau2 musik and any musical instruments.
Hugh Grant is a brilliant actor... when he's not dancing in leather pants!!! *goosebumps*
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Random Stuff

Im still praying for the palm-tree plantation deal.
In this negotiation all we need is what I called .... a God factor.
coz really, there's nothing we can do to make this work.
Only God and God alone can break this through.
"... if God is for us, then who can ever be against us?"

Surprisingly, it's a very very exciting journey.
My faith is being stretch.
I pray that God will enlarge the capacity of my heart.

Pokonya do the right thing and keep doing it.
.. tinggal tunggu waktu aja pintu2 akan dibuka lebar2 *amin lu booo!!!*

Toodle-doos!